An affront to Henry Ford

This is something I’ve complained about a lot lately so I have to articulate it here.



I hate Minis.

More accurately, I hate the people who drive Minis. After all, you can’t blame the car for the personality of the person driving it. They were like that in the first place. Here’s the problem. Everyone who drives one of these pieces of European trash whips in and out of lanes without signaling, speeds, tailgates, and generally drives like an asshole. I trace it all back to Charlize Theron in The Italian Job. Everyone who saw her driving like a friggin’ maniac in that movie now figures that now have the same adventurous personality purely by virtue of the fact that they drive the same car in the same incompetent fashion. You can tell these people on the street too. They’re the ones who walk as if everyone can hear the theme music that follows them in their heads.

The people who drive Mini Coopers suck, but so do Minis themselves. I’ve started calling them PT Deuces because they look like a number two a PT Cruiser might have dropped while idling at a stoplight. As a result, I’m a little afraid to drive behind PT Cruisers now…

And while we’re on the subject…



I hate Honda Elements. This is the perfect car for the person who can’t quite decide if they want to buy a Ford Explorer to be the outdoorsy, recreational type or the Honda Civic to be the environmentally conscious city-dweller. Now you can be both.

I’m also a little disturbed by the shape of the thing. It’s a freakin’ box.



Of course, there’s also the Pontiac Aztek, which has the convenience of a tent that comes out the trunk door. This is the perfect car for the person who can afford a $25,000 SUV but can’t shell out for a tent.



Finally, the Chevy Avalanche. This has to be the most worthless automobile of all time. Look at the size of the bed on this thing. You couldn’t fit a damn mattress into it. Maybe a cooler. That’s the extent of the utility of the Chevy Avalanche. Picnics.