Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Hurricane Katrina

Amateur News - Arabic news network Al Jazeera today released a recorded statement by Al-Qaeda second in command Ayman al-Zawahri, in which he claimed responsibility for the hurricane that struck the United States' gulf coast earlier this week.

"The holy mujahideen have struck the crusader nation at its very heart with the holy Hurricane Katrina," said al-Zawahri. "We declare that the infidels risk further catastrophe, God willing, unless they abandon their crusade in the land of Islam. Our brothers are currently working on a mudslide, two tornadoes, and an earthquake."

U.S. officials have expressed doubt as to whether Al-Qaeda actually possesses the capacity to cause a hurricane. This is due not only to the historical inability of humankind to create natural disasters, but also a string of other unlikely incidents for which Al-Qaeda has asserted responsibility since its failed July 27 attacks in London. So far, al-Zawahri has claimed fault for an exhaustive July heat wave, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's breakup, and production of NBC's "The Law Firm."

CIA spokesperson Bill Harlow expressed both doubt and concern. "This is a new tactic of Al-Qaeda's," he said. "We are beginning to think that bin Laden and his cohorts may now simply find it easier to lay claim to these unfortunate incidents rather than carry out attacks of their own."

Al-Qaeda's strategy does make some sense. "Terrorism is tough as all get out," said September 11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Muhammed in an interview from his Pakistani jail cell. "Seriously, that whole plane stunt took me years to plan: training the cut men, getting funding for flight lessons--let's not forget finding twenty guys willing to ram a plane into a large building. That takes some heavy coaxing."

Planning is not the only complaint Muhammed had with the traditional terrorist means. "Bin Laden totally took away creative control of the project. I had some fireworks planned: hijackings on both sides of the country--hell, both sides of the Pacific Ocean, plus a dramatic ending where I would land the final plane, kill all of the men and release the women and children just before broadcasting a message to the entire world. It was brilliant, but Osama thought it was too complex, so we ended up with the scaled-down four plane plan. I swear, the man has no vision. I guess just letting everyone else do the dirty work and claiming credit for it takes much less manpower."

Still, if al-Zawahri's claims are true, the implications could be daunting. "This is something we need to consider and investigate," said Harlow. "This country can only take so much. Hurricanes we can handle, but we will not abide another 'Law Firm.'"