What I've learned from the bar exam.

No. 1. Never name your kid anything that starts with a P, D, or V. Any person named Paul, Peter, or Patricia is going to get hit by a car. They are predestined to become plaintiffs, who are inevitably injured by unfortunate souls named David, Dewayne, or Donna. Life is even worse for Vincent, Victor, or Veronica--these folks are going to get straight up murdered.

No. 2. The bar does not test your ability to serve a client. You do not want the attorney who aced the MBE. Why? The MBE does not test your knowledge of the best possible answer in a given situation. It tests your ability to pick the third or fourth best answer in a field of four. They intentionally leave the straightforward, sensible options out. So when Manufacturer produces a lawnmower blade and Worker is injured as a result of using it to cut heavy weeds instead of grass, your MBE power attorney is the guy who's thinking, "Plaintiff using a lawnmower to cut thick weeds instead of grass? Totally unforeseeable!" Either that, or you've got the Crazy Hypothetical Guy from tort law. He's the only one that some of these fact patterns make sense to. Either that, or the test taker is required to pick the least wrong answer from a field of four obviously incorrect choices.

No. 3. Banks very rarely record their mortgages. Pretty common phenomenon apparently. And on every such occasion, the mortgagor either takes out three more mortgages before defaulting or sells the property to good faith purchasers for value without notice. Or both.

No. 4. No one has marketable title.

No. 5. The Bar does strange things to people. I can't explain it. I also wonder if this kind of thing was happening in other states where they were testing. Between the Minnesota essays, MPT and MBE, there were:

• People puking all over the John;
• Women leaving the testing area and bawling in the women's restroom in the midst of the exam;
• One guy who apparently pulled his tooth out during the essays and started bleeding all over the place; and
• One woman who had a panic attack during the MBE and, word has it, was taken to the hospital.

Bottom line: it's over. I'm done with it. I sparred with the beast and feel like I did okay (knock on wood). But one thing is for sure--I absolutely do not want to be doing this again in February.

Alright, I'm gonna head to Clerks II. Bill J. describes it as good "but disturbing"...Something about "guy-on-donkey." I dunno. We'll see. Still disappointed that Kevin Smith ditched the original working title, The Passion of the Clerks.

Congrats on being done to my fellow examinees.