Government security
Yesterday I had to attend a trial in the Hennepin County Government Center. So I get slicked up in my suit and roll the two or three blocks from IDS to the center. I walk into the building, find out what floor the case is on, and proceed the the elevator. A heavyset security guard stands in my way and asks if I need some help. Told him I was doing fine and continued toward the elevator door. The guy stops me. "No, you have to go through that first."
The metal detector. The bane of my existence. It's not so much that I have trouble getting through metal detectors myself. It's that everyone else does. What only makes it worse is that the savy personnel manning these machines either are paranoid that you might attempt a homicide with some nail clippers (read: TSA) or really would prefer not to get off of their stools to remind some jackass to remove shit from their pockets (security at any government building). I understand the overboard TSA folks. Anyone would given events within the last few years. It's the govvies that bother me because their inertia risks making me late.
I hopped in the line to the metal detector. As you can guess there are some interesting individuals waiting to get their day in court in Hennepin County. None of them appear to be aware of the purpose behind this large doorway that flashes and makes beeping noises (I considered following someone else's lead, throwing an elbow and knocking them out of my path, but that might just be enough to coax the guards off their duffs). You can see huge chunks of metal accessories attached to them and it always takes two or three attempts to clear it all off.
This feller yesterday took the cake though. Guy has on a wife beater and some jeans you could fit a small family in. He saunters through the metal detector doing that gangsta walk where it looks like one leg might be shorter than the other (the chicks cream over that, by the way). This guy not only still has his cell phone hooked to his belt, but he has the hands free clipped to his wife beater and stuck in his ear--this Einstein's still day trading or whatever. What's even more disturbing is that the security guy doesn't say a thing as he's about to walk through. He literally sat there and watched the guy slowly mosey under the lintle. Only then comes the suggestion to take off the celly.
I think the classic episode of government security guard laziness occurred six years ago at the Helena, MT federal building. I'm there with my buddies Richland County and Priest Pimpin'. Richland County had to run upstairs and pick up some documents he ordered for a paper he was writing. He rolls through security. Priest Pimpin' and I decide to sit and wait outside of the security area rather than bother with the hassle. While Richland County is upstairs, the UPS guy comes in with a dolley full of boxes. He takes each individual one and sets it on the metal detector belt. When he gets to the largest box at the bottom, he sets it on the belt and realizes that it's too big to go through the mouth. With the security guard sitting there on his stool, the UPS guy set the box back on the dolley and then proceeded to walk around the metal detector with it, pick up the rest of his boxes and go on his merry way. The guard was only too happy to let him do his thing.
I can only assume that these individuals were normal people when they began their jobs. I mean, it's not like they're the utterly useless folks they have working at the Helena Arby's. I'm curious, though, what exactly happens to a person when they become a government security guard that makes them so...sluggish? Is it some sort of chemical byproduct of red tape? Radiation from the metal detector? Marijuana? How does a single occupation break down a man's drive to achieve some minor task in his day to day life?
The whole situation makes me a touch uncomfortable considering that somewhat unbalanced individuals have taken advantage of these lapses in the past. Maybe some sort of on the job entertainment would be a good idea. Something that'll keep them excited and motivated. Some soft core porn might do the trick....but then try getting everyone else through the line. Dammit........In that case, the only option left has to be Scrabble. I'm writing my commissioner.
The metal detector. The bane of my existence. It's not so much that I have trouble getting through metal detectors myself. It's that everyone else does. What only makes it worse is that the savy personnel manning these machines either are paranoid that you might attempt a homicide with some nail clippers (read: TSA) or really would prefer not to get off of their stools to remind some jackass to remove shit from their pockets (security at any government building). I understand the overboard TSA folks. Anyone would given events within the last few years. It's the govvies that bother me because their inertia risks making me late.
I hopped in the line to the metal detector. As you can guess there are some interesting individuals waiting to get their day in court in Hennepin County. None of them appear to be aware of the purpose behind this large doorway that flashes and makes beeping noises (I considered following someone else's lead, throwing an elbow and knocking them out of my path, but that might just be enough to coax the guards off their duffs). You can see huge chunks of metal accessories attached to them and it always takes two or three attempts to clear it all off.
This feller yesterday took the cake though. Guy has on a wife beater and some jeans you could fit a small family in. He saunters through the metal detector doing that gangsta walk where it looks like one leg might be shorter than the other (the chicks cream over that, by the way). This guy not only still has his cell phone hooked to his belt, but he has the hands free clipped to his wife beater and stuck in his ear--this Einstein's still day trading or whatever. What's even more disturbing is that the security guy doesn't say a thing as he's about to walk through. He literally sat there and watched the guy slowly mosey under the lintle. Only then comes the suggestion to take off the celly.
I think the classic episode of government security guard laziness occurred six years ago at the Helena, MT federal building. I'm there with my buddies Richland County and Priest Pimpin'. Richland County had to run upstairs and pick up some documents he ordered for a paper he was writing. He rolls through security. Priest Pimpin' and I decide to sit and wait outside of the security area rather than bother with the hassle. While Richland County is upstairs, the UPS guy comes in with a dolley full of boxes. He takes each individual one and sets it on the metal detector belt. When he gets to the largest box at the bottom, he sets it on the belt and realizes that it's too big to go through the mouth. With the security guard sitting there on his stool, the UPS guy set the box back on the dolley and then proceeded to walk around the metal detector with it, pick up the rest of his boxes and go on his merry way. The guard was only too happy to let him do his thing.
I can only assume that these individuals were normal people when they began their jobs. I mean, it's not like they're the utterly useless folks they have working at the Helena Arby's. I'm curious, though, what exactly happens to a person when they become a government security guard that makes them so...sluggish? Is it some sort of chemical byproduct of red tape? Radiation from the metal detector? Marijuana? How does a single occupation break down a man's drive to achieve some minor task in his day to day life?
The whole situation makes me a touch uncomfortable considering that somewhat unbalanced individuals have taken advantage of these lapses in the past. Maybe some sort of on the job entertainment would be a good idea. Something that'll keep them excited and motivated. Some soft core porn might do the trick....but then try getting everyone else through the line. Dammit........In that case, the only option left has to be Scrabble. I'm writing my commissioner.
posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar at 6/21/2005 06:23:00 PM
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11 Comments:
Metal Detectors are perhaps the most worthless security tool known to man. Add the US Capitol and some 2,000 tourists and you have pure hell.
Of course sir you can take those 6 knives into the Capitol Bldg. No ma'am the metal mint can in your pocket isn't going to set the detector off 22 times. And the ever popular, intern (me) going through over and over again cause my BCBG pumps have a metal ring on them. You know it's bad when they see you coming look at your shoes and flag you around.
And I agree, the guards need something to keep them lively. Perhaps scrabble would work in MT, but Cap Police will need porn for sure.
The Montana federal buildings are the worst. I think the only time they ever really cracked down on security was after Oklahoma City. After all, it was their balls on the wire then. 9/11 didn't really change things all that much around there. No one's going to crash a damn plane into Great Falls' four story post office/federal building.
As for the identities, as we discussed before, the reason I don't mention actual names is so that if one were to actually do a google or yahoo search of a person's name, it won't come up. And a google search won't yield this blog, by the way. Anyway, if you're already on my site, then you're either someone I know and trust or some random who would never know the relevance in the first place. I've only ever given this address to a handful of people. As for why I linked on this specific occasion, I was looking for an excuse to link to the article on Richland County. And if I did that, then I had to link something to Priest Pimpin', ya know?
If it bothers you all that much, I'll just use different handles and avoid links in the future.
And btw, I wouldn't have thrown an elbow in view of law enforcement.
Instead, I would have tapped my heel, made loud sighs and smiled charmingly at the guards. Cause a guard that thinks your flirting with him is a guard who'll just wave you on through. Somehow, I don't think that would have worked for you though.
Abra, I live in downtown Minneapolis. That strategy works even better for me than it does for you. Trust me.
Hadn't considered that. Well in that case, "You go girlfriend!"
I think my IQ just dropped 10 points.
Either that or you momentarily morphed into Oprah Winfrey. I'm not sure which.
Maybe. But not even my capability for reinvention can muster up a rich african american billionaire who has a good 100 pounds on me.
I think it's either Marissa's or the cheerleaders doing.
I still get mad when I read that water line story. The press called just as I had rescued my computer. I am soaked. I have to give a speech in an hour and I'm out of breath. I sound like a moron that can barely construct a complete sentence. Piss poor effort. Piss poor.
The security at the James Battin Federal Courthouse here in Billings is fine. The guards are friendly and helpful. It serves its purpose and isn't annoying.
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