Saving the homeless
I really don’t mean to sound insensitive, but we have some very untalented homeless people here in Minneapolis. This isn’t necessarily true of all of our panhandlers as some are very good at what they do. The amateurs, however, really ruin it for the guy who legitimately needs a buck.
Example: Last semester I was at the Chipotle downtown on Nicolette Mall. For those who don’t know, Chipotle makes the best burrito known to mankind. Bar none. If I’d had one of these nearby during college, I would easily weigh another fifty pounds. Just thinking about it is getting me all hot and bothered.
Anyway, I’m sitting in Chipotle eating my burrito and minding my own business. A guy walks up to me and says, “Excuse me, sir, do you have a soul?” It sounded kind of like a cheesy pickup line so I thought maybe I misheard him and asked him what he’d said. Sure enough, this man wanted to know if I had a soul. Naturally, I replied in the affirmative. Great that we could come to consensus on this issue. Now that he knows that I do, in fact, have a soul, he wants to know if I can give him “five or six bucks” so he can get something to eat. Now I realize that inflation is a bitch, but come on—five or six bucks? Whatever happened to “Brother can you spare a dime?”
Alright, cynical though I may be, I’m not without compassion. I told the guy the truth—that I don’t carry cash around but that if he was truly hungry, I’d be willing to buy him a burrito or something. He stood there dumbfounded and looked at me for a second, before telling me, “Well, I’m from California and all they have to eat down there is Mexican food…No thanks.” Great, pal. You were hungry enough to walk into a restaurant, throw that cheese line at me, and hit me up for cash, but the prospect of eating Mexican food is just too much. In a Mexican restaurant, no less.
Guys like this really hurt those who do need help legitimately. You stop trusting that any of these people are truly looking for something to eat and one day find yourself waving off anyone who hits you up for change. It’s truly tragic. I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it until talking to a few friends the other night.
During summer out here, you might avoid the rain, the mosquitoes, and the panhandlers, but you cannot avoid the bachelorettes. The other night at Brothers Bar, there must have been six of these bachelorette parties there at once—armies of tipsy twenty-somethings donning plastic tiaras and multi-colored boas, all wanting to know one thing from you:
“Suck for a buck?”
This is the solution to the homeless problem. If these chicks can make a dime or two for their honeymoon off of some drunk guys biting off a piece of candy that’s pinned to a chick’s pink t-shirt, then surely it can work for the rest of these chaps. I mean, at least when I give some bachelorette a dollar, I’m getting a lifesaver out of the deal. When a homeless guy hits me up, I get nothing in return. Consideration, baby. That’s the ticket.
Example: Last semester I was at the Chipotle downtown on Nicolette Mall. For those who don’t know, Chipotle makes the best burrito known to mankind. Bar none. If I’d had one of these nearby during college, I would easily weigh another fifty pounds. Just thinking about it is getting me all hot and bothered.
Anyway, I’m sitting in Chipotle eating my burrito and minding my own business. A guy walks up to me and says, “Excuse me, sir, do you have a soul?” It sounded kind of like a cheesy pickup line so I thought maybe I misheard him and asked him what he’d said. Sure enough, this man wanted to know if I had a soul. Naturally, I replied in the affirmative. Great that we could come to consensus on this issue. Now that he knows that I do, in fact, have a soul, he wants to know if I can give him “five or six bucks” so he can get something to eat. Now I realize that inflation is a bitch, but come on—five or six bucks? Whatever happened to “Brother can you spare a dime?”
Alright, cynical though I may be, I’m not without compassion. I told the guy the truth—that I don’t carry cash around but that if he was truly hungry, I’d be willing to buy him a burrito or something. He stood there dumbfounded and looked at me for a second, before telling me, “Well, I’m from California and all they have to eat down there is Mexican food…No thanks.” Great, pal. You were hungry enough to walk into a restaurant, throw that cheese line at me, and hit me up for cash, but the prospect of eating Mexican food is just too much. In a Mexican restaurant, no less.
Guys like this really hurt those who do need help legitimately. You stop trusting that any of these people are truly looking for something to eat and one day find yourself waving off anyone who hits you up for change. It’s truly tragic. I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it until talking to a few friends the other night.
During summer out here, you might avoid the rain, the mosquitoes, and the panhandlers, but you cannot avoid the bachelorettes. The other night at Brothers Bar, there must have been six of these bachelorette parties there at once—armies of tipsy twenty-somethings donning plastic tiaras and multi-colored boas, all wanting to know one thing from you:
“Suck for a buck?”
This is the solution to the homeless problem. If these chicks can make a dime or two for their honeymoon off of some drunk guys biting off a piece of candy that’s pinned to a chick’s pink t-shirt, then surely it can work for the rest of these chaps. I mean, at least when I give some bachelorette a dollar, I’m getting a lifesaver out of the deal. When a homeless guy hits me up, I get nothing in return. Consideration, baby. That’s the ticket.
posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar at 6/13/2005 10:28:00 AM
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7 Comments:
First off, the lifesaver on the t-shirt is new to me. I guess that must be a trashy Minneapolis thing. Damn midwestern girls.
Second, don't even talk to me about panhandlers. I live in Washington DC and I have seen it all. Old/young, men/women, poor/dressed better than I am, sick/well. I'm more than happy to spare a buck if I have cash or a half used metro card. But lately I've noticed more pnnhandlers that are either high or drunk already. Sorry, buddy. You need some food, happy to help. Money to get home what's a $1.35 to me? But you want me to give you money to buy alcohol from a crazy shopkeeper who likes to spray you with his hose for fun, hell no. It is a constant struggle, to give or not to give. But if you're a Veteran (and sadly 75% of homeless men in the 50-75 age bracket are) you can have whatever I've got on me.
Suck for a buck is a regular staple of bachelorette mayhem. They're usually attached to a t-shirt with a scavenger hunt list written in Sharpie on it. Thus, if we don't shell out a dollar for a damn lifesaver, then we're probably going to get asked to forfeit our boxers. I like to keep my boxers so my standard response is that I'm not wearing any.
That's the most perverse thing I think you have ever said. And to be honest the brief mental picture is painful (no pun intended).
I guess the bachelorette parties I have attended are a little more civilized. Okay, a lot more civilized.
I love how you try to make DC sound more sophisticated and more crude than Minnesota at the same time.
"Don't even talk to me about panhandlers. I live in Washington DC and I have seen it all."
"I guess that must be a trashy Minneapolis thing."
"I guess the bachelorette parties I have attended are a little more civilized. Okay, a lot more civilized."
I've never been to a bachelorette party in DC. And I thought your years in debate would have taught you not to assume things.
In MT, Spokane, Seattle and Portland, I have never seen a soon to be bride offer to let a complete stranger eat a lifesaver off of her shirt for a dollar. And I have certainly never been privy to a scavenger hunt that included a strange man's boxer shorts. These sound like real classy ladies you're dealing with here.
And yes, DC is a shit hole. But I just live here.
Sigh....if only we could all have your sense of class.
Scam pandering is an art form. There are two corners in Butte where this "couple" are regular residents who trade shifts. Of course, if you aren't privy to tne police reports or are not particularly observant, how would you know they are FRAUDS!!! They make it difficult for those who really are in need. I make it a point to NEVER give money. Instead, when visiting someplace where I will probably be using my feet to get from point to point I do the following: Assess the lay of the land. Fast food places are on about every street corner as is the liquor store. I buy coupon books for each and share those instead. B. Clark is right, those who are more insterested in getting high aren't particularly happy. But, last summer in SLC I did see a person with whom I had such contact standing in the drive-thru of the corner Macdonalds paying for breakfast with...coupons. He was in the drive because he was very dirty and embarassed to go inside and order. OF course, he didn't have any shoes so they wouldn't have let him in. So, I prefer to err on the side of mercy than do nothing.
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