Men are from Mars, Women are from someplace that doesn’t speak English.
The psychological differences between men and women can be summed up in one word:
“Fine.”
I was at a wedding this weekend and ended up walking into a conversation between two friends about how men are selfish, don’t understand women, blah blah blah. The tired mantra. These conversations are always hilarious to me because so many women fail to understand how exceedingly straightforward the male psyche really is.
Here’s what it comes down to in a nutshell. Men are simple creatures. When we say something or ask for something, you can bet that it is a verbatim description of our thoughts, absent of innuendo. Now women, on the other hand, are much less prone to simply saying what’s on their mind. It has to be wrapped up in hints and insinuation. Unlike simpleton men, women are an enigma. Male scientists are still at work, poking their brains, studying female thought as we speak.
Now, the error most men make in regards to women is thinking that women mean what they say. Women make the opposite mistake, presuming some sort of underlying implication to what men say. This couldn’t be more wrong.
Case in point. A number of years ago back in high school, I had a female debate partner who would often complain that our outfits didn’t match. Whatever. I wore the exact same navy sport coat, slacks, and white dress shirt every damn tournament (as Well-Informed History Student could attest to). If it were really all that important to her, she could have matched my clothes without any effort on my part. Anyway, one morning as we’re getting ready to head to the tournament from our hotel, she shows up at my room asking if her outfit is okay. I gave her a quick glance. Hell, as long as she wasn’t dressed in a pink gorilla costume it would have been acceptable to me. I told her it was fine without giving it a second thought. She gave me a weird look and walked back to her room.
Ten minutes later, she’s back in a different power suit. “What about this one?” I’m a little confused at this point since I’d already given my unambiguous approval to her previous choice, but whatever. Told her this one was fine too. She gives me the stink eye and storms off. Again, five minutes later, she knocks at my door. Yet another outfit. I plead to her that it looks fine and just to wear it. But no. She dashes off to her room yet again and soon returns in her original set of clothing. “I don’t care what you think. I’m going to wear whatever I want.”
I was a young man and ignorant of the world. I now know that women don’t always abide by the Webster’s Dictionary definition of the word fine: “of superior quality, skill, or appearance.” To them, the word might mean “You look like hell and should go change your clothes before I vom.” Simple miscommunication.
Now today, I’m a very lucky man. I have a great woman in my life who understands the elementary plane of male thought. Our relationship is unencumbered by male-female static. She understands that I am a simpleton and can speak simpleton to me if she so needs. I do my best to speak female when I really need to.
Example. One time Mayo Nurse and I were at a nice store someplace looking at dinnerware. She was very fond of one particular set, which I thought was actually pretty kewl looking. Decision made as far as I’m concerned. Nonetheless, Mayo Nurse did want to look at a few other possible sets. Now I really don't know much about dinnerware. To me, a plate is a plate. As long as it serves its primary function of holding my food in a satisfactory manner, then I’m happy with it. Now the other plates there weren’t quite as attractive, though I could have lived with any of them. Simply saying, “Eh, I can live with that,” would express to Mayo Nurse an unintended sense of indifference. I don't want her to think that I don't care about this. I also don't want her to think I'm agreeing just for the sake of agreeing. Thus, the best thing to do is simply turn it up a notch and give opinions of the ones I really dislike in no uncertain terms.
“Those ones kinda suck.”
“I don’t think I could ever eat off of this one.”
“Green? Will that match?”
It’s all a matter of degree. Even though I happened to like the first set that we looked a lot more than any of the others, expressing no opinion towards everything else might make her think that I don’t really care. And that’s certainly not the attitude I’m trying to convey.
Ha. John Gray’s got nothing on these pearls...
“Fine.”
I was at a wedding this weekend and ended up walking into a conversation between two friends about how men are selfish, don’t understand women, blah blah blah. The tired mantra. These conversations are always hilarious to me because so many women fail to understand how exceedingly straightforward the male psyche really is.
Here’s what it comes down to in a nutshell. Men are simple creatures. When we say something or ask for something, you can bet that it is a verbatim description of our thoughts, absent of innuendo. Now women, on the other hand, are much less prone to simply saying what’s on their mind. It has to be wrapped up in hints and insinuation. Unlike simpleton men, women are an enigma. Male scientists are still at work, poking their brains, studying female thought as we speak.
Now, the error most men make in regards to women is thinking that women mean what they say. Women make the opposite mistake, presuming some sort of underlying implication to what men say. This couldn’t be more wrong.
Case in point. A number of years ago back in high school, I had a female debate partner who would often complain that our outfits didn’t match. Whatever. I wore the exact same navy sport coat, slacks, and white dress shirt every damn tournament (as Well-Informed History Student could attest to). If it were really all that important to her, she could have matched my clothes without any effort on my part. Anyway, one morning as we’re getting ready to head to the tournament from our hotel, she shows up at my room asking if her outfit is okay. I gave her a quick glance. Hell, as long as she wasn’t dressed in a pink gorilla costume it would have been acceptable to me. I told her it was fine without giving it a second thought. She gave me a weird look and walked back to her room.
Ten minutes later, she’s back in a different power suit. “What about this one?” I’m a little confused at this point since I’d already given my unambiguous approval to her previous choice, but whatever. Told her this one was fine too. She gives me the stink eye and storms off. Again, five minutes later, she knocks at my door. Yet another outfit. I plead to her that it looks fine and just to wear it. But no. She dashes off to her room yet again and soon returns in her original set of clothing. “I don’t care what you think. I’m going to wear whatever I want.”
I was a young man and ignorant of the world. I now know that women don’t always abide by the Webster’s Dictionary definition of the word fine: “of superior quality, skill, or appearance.” To them, the word might mean “You look like hell and should go change your clothes before I vom.” Simple miscommunication.
Now today, I’m a very lucky man. I have a great woman in my life who understands the elementary plane of male thought. Our relationship is unencumbered by male-female static. She understands that I am a simpleton and can speak simpleton to me if she so needs. I do my best to speak female when I really need to.
Example. One time Mayo Nurse and I were at a nice store someplace looking at dinnerware. She was very fond of one particular set, which I thought was actually pretty kewl looking. Decision made as far as I’m concerned. Nonetheless, Mayo Nurse did want to look at a few other possible sets. Now I really don't know much about dinnerware. To me, a plate is a plate. As long as it serves its primary function of holding my food in a satisfactory manner, then I’m happy with it. Now the other plates there weren’t quite as attractive, though I could have lived with any of them. Simply saying, “Eh, I can live with that,” would express to Mayo Nurse an unintended sense of indifference. I don't want her to think that I don't care about this. I also don't want her to think I'm agreeing just for the sake of agreeing. Thus, the best thing to do is simply turn it up a notch and give opinions of the ones I really dislike in no uncertain terms.
“Those ones kinda suck.”
“I don’t think I could ever eat off of this one.”
“Green? Will that match?”
It’s all a matter of degree. Even though I happened to like the first set that we looked a lot more than any of the others, expressing no opinion towards everything else might make her think that I don’t really care. And that’s certainly not the attitude I’m trying to convey.
Ha. John Gray’s got nothing on these pearls...
posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar at 6/27/2005 10:15:00 AM
Subscribe to Tommy Lawyer
22 Comments:
Sweetie Pie, the news that you and all men are simpletons isn't terribly earth shattering. But, thank you for at least trying to bring the male and female communities to the bargaining table.
And Lea, keep working on him. Maybe by this time next year he will understand that there are shades of colors and not everything is just green.
"Sweetie Pie"?
oh stop! when was the last time you heard me address anyone by their name?
courtesy of my mother's DNA, I call everyone, "darlin'" or "hon" or "sweetie" or "babe" or "puddin" or "punkin". I can't help it. It's a disease, and there is no cure.
But I'll try to come up with somethin a little more manly for you, like "muffin" or "peaches."
Heh. This exchange reminded me f your post:
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/001894.html
Hey Andrea. I need to add a link to your site on here. Congrats on the wedding!
1. You're agreeing with the first half of my point. Women (again, generally) add subtext. Go ask WIHS sometime if she's okay when she's acting like she isn't. There's a 90% chance she'll say she is anyway, but other factors such as tone will certainly tell you otherwise. The actual statement contradicts the intended statement. Like you said, maybe they're messing with us, maybe not. We can't fully comprehend it. Now, the converse of that is that as men often times make the mistake of presuming that women mean what they say, women often presume a hidden subtext to what men are saying when there simply isn't. Simply not assuming that you can understand anything WIHS or any other female might say might be wise, but it won't get you far figuring out what the subtext is.
2. Your speech can be a reflection of what your conscious thoughts and feelings. Certainly you have a better idea of what's going on inside your head than anyone else might. As far as language is concerned, sure, language is elastic, but the primary purpose of language is to convey a message. At the very least, one should be able to discern whether or not the message is positive or negative. I generally consider "fine" to be a positive description. Gender lines tend to skew that. Furthermore, but using multiple words, phrases, sentences, whatever, I am narrowly tailoring my statement and eliminating many of the other possible meanings my statement might have.
Gave up my material? Naw, we've discussed the whole male/female communication thing before. I don't see any of this as strategy, man. It's more like speaking to her in female because if I say it in male, then it would come off way wrong. Take the whole plates thing. As a guy, my first instinct is simply to say "These ones are kewl, those ones are crap, and that's it." If I'd done that, then she gets the impression that I don't care. Bad. So, you know, I'll give some of the reasons why I might not like the rest of them. I don't like the color, the design, whatever. I dunno, maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills here.
By way of analogy, you think that many Turks know that in English, the name of their country is a a big dumb bird that's too fat to actually walk?
That was our softball team junior year, Agitprop. You, Goss, and I are all Fragile Nancies. I'm guessing you probably still have the powder blue shirt to prove it.
Fragile Nancy, huh? That one is getting filed away for sure. But if you all qualify then it loses some of its luster. But it's still way better than peaches.
I seem to remember someone playing in the Fragile Nancy uniform while also wearing Josie and the Pussycats-style cat ears...
And on the subject of cross gender communication (the theory's technical name), you're generally correct. But let's not get too stereotypical.
I once had a guy tell me that he "didn't have the energy to keep our relationship going." Exact words, verbatim. I took that as any intelligent person would have, "we're broken up." But apparently that isn't what he meant.
And as for women saying fine when they're upset. Over the last few weeks, when people ask me how I am they get brutal honesty. Not so good, tired, sick, stressed out, bitchy etc. are all replies that I have used. And the reception hasn't been what you might call welcoming.
I may have to go back to okay and fine just to get people tp stop looking like I shot their dog. If you are genuinely going to ask how I am then I am genuinely going to tell you, but most people can't handle it.
And finally, this isn't men/women stuff it's people stuff. Some people are just genuinely difficult to read and understand. And others are just piss poor communicators. And I'm not going to label a whole gender for what may or may not be a problem with the species. We should try a little harder to understand the people we know, instead of the gender we think we don't get.
And yes, women are very well aware that we have the sex and you will do almost anything to get it. Though using it like a weapon isn't my style.
Warhank gives me Descartes; you give me gender comm. Oi.
I think it goes without saying that I'm generalizing here. Broadly. And that I'm also talking more specifically about male/female communication within relationships. The cursory "fine" you give on the elevator to an acquaintance is obviously differently than the "fine" you might give a boyfriend when you're actually pissed off at him (and he should know why).
Well I wasn't, talking about acquaitances. Even close friends and family would prefer fine.
And it's not like women are the only ones who avoid communication when they're pissed off.
I've known at least a couple of boyrfriends and boy-friends who beat around the bush or even deny that something is wrong even when asked point blank. Why people do that I don't know.
And as someone who dated the king of the passive aggressive "fine," if women do this to men, then we need to stop cause it is infuriating.
Yes, Warhank has a valid point. Bragging about one's ability to communicate with the opposite sex/their significant other definitely has that possibility.
And that's for the clarification on Fragile Nancy. Too good not to share.
Has it occurred to either one of you that you might be taking the post a touch more seriously than it was meant?
You posted. We're having a discussion. Sure, maybe it's more 'serious' than you had intended but it's still all meant in fun.
And the next time you jump on my back over a broad generalization that you think is case specific, I'll be sure to mention this. Remember, blogs are like IM, no tone can be conveyed.
Let's avoid that. I guess we need a new topic to discuss or someone new to ridicule? If only Max were here, or Wilcox.
I've posted three times today? What do you want from me? I'll see what I can do.
Besides it's not like I've been doing too much lately, so fun DC stories are out. Though I'm sure Wilcox will have some good ones when he gets back.
Yakov...Was that the guy who did the Best Western commercials back in the 80s?
thanks for that addition to the discussion warhank.
and as for best western, i have no idea, I think I'm a little young for that.
Wow, TL, the topics you're willing to bring up while I'm stuck at work and guaranteed to be away from the blogosphere...While I do appreciate the fact that you said that we communicate well, I must agree with some of what your buddies have said here. What you've said are really, really broad generalizations and assumptions *that absolutely could have gotten you into trouble had I taken this post seriously :)*. Also, sweetheart, honeybuns, sugarlips, the fact that you and I communicate fairly efficiently is because we've had 4 years of practice, Babycakes (yeah, those nicknames, I mean gems, are reserved for my use only boys and girls:)
Post a Comment
<< Home