PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE fire Mike Tice already.

As a Minneapolis transplant, I've come to adopt the Minnesota Vikings as my football team. All of my friends who have grown up in this state have counseled me against such a decision, but it's the first time I've lived in a place that has any kind of professional sports team. I feel compelled to root for the Vikes even if it does mean a lifetime of constant disappointment.

But I grew up a fan of the San Francisco 49ers, one of the great American football dynasties. I've been spoiled by infallible NFL giants like Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Bill Walsh (roommate spilled a drink on him when he was about six--true story), so the Vikings are an enigma to me. They're like the Chicago Cubs of football. Perennial choke artists. Only the Cleveland Browns can challenge the Vikes on this front.

And when I say that Mike Tice should be dropped in the Mississippi with cement shoes, I understand that all of this is not the fault of one man. The Vikings were cursed to mediocrity long before coach Tice came along. But I'm convinced that the first step toward breaking the curse begins with ditching this low rent Jim Belushi ass clown.

This weekend I watched the first game of the season with Mayo Nurse's dad in Rochester. A few years ago, the league reincarnated instant replay, giving coaches the limited power to challenge an official's call. In order to signal their decision to make such a challenge, said coach is to throw a red flag onto the field. The thing is, some decisions aren't reviewable, including whether or not a player is down by contact when he fumbles the ball. I know this. Most football fans know this. Mike Tice should know this since the referees have to explain it to his stupid ass at least once a game when he decides to toss that damn flag out on the field in a fit of frustration, demanding that the play be reviewed anyway.

Someone buy this man a damn stress toy because all he does is toss the flag as soon as something ticks him off in the first quarter. He doesn't challenge plays that are actually questionable (recall the NFC semifinals last year against Philadelphia). No, Tice chucks that flag out there on obviously legit calls that just happen to be disfavorable to his team. So the referees kill the clock, review the play, affirm their decision, and leave the Vikings without the ability to challenge the crap calls that will inevitably happen over the rest of the game.

Oh, and let's not forget, after you get done getting your team knocked out of Superbowl contention (or before, since you know they won't be there), scalp the Superbowl tickets that the NFL comps to you. Smart move, jackass. I'm still surprised this one didn't land him in the unemployment line.

And how about those team management decesions. Just recently, Tice called up freshly released free agent Koren Robinson to offer him a spot on his team--just as soon as he gets out of rehab (Darrell Strawberry was too busy). This after Randy Moss was just too difficult to get along with. Speaking of Moss, Tice and the Vikes were briefly considering bringing on Plaxico Burress to fill the wide receiver gap in the post-Moss era. Reason? He dresses purdy. Or so Tice said in the press conference.

I look at other teams with envy. It's just too damn disappointing to see John Gruden pacing the the Tampa Bay sideline with a stride of confidence, a keen intellect about him while Mike Tice is chest bumping his defensive tackle on the Minnesota side. To think we dished Randy Moss to the Raiders in order to keep this guy (Red McCombs apparently decided to keep Tice because he was cheaper). Year after year, Minnesota will field quality players and then watch everything fall apart in the end. There are a number of different reasons for that. Replacing one man won't solve everything. But I honestly believe that hiring a respectable head coach would go a long way towards bringing the Vikings to the promised land. We need our Knute Rockne. To get him, we need to put Mike Tice out to pasture.