An open letter to University of Utah President Michael K. Young
It has come to my attention recently that the University of Utah has suffered heavy criticism from various Native American and student organizations due to its Indian-inspired mascot, the University of Utah Utes. Two close friends of mine attend your fine institution of higher learning and have expressed deep frustrations with these sentiments. Should you ever make the decision to abandon the Ute mascot in favor of something less offensive, I am quite certain that one of them would attempt to ignite the Quinney Law Library by spitting "hot fire" all over it. Nonetheless, if the name continues, inevitably some hippy campus organization will probably try to change your mind by spelling out words with their bodies in the nude. As we all know, nothing is more persuasive than a group of smelly misanthropes, depressed because they missed out on the sixties, looking for an excuse to tear off their clothes in public. You situation is quite the predicament.
Nonetheless, I do believe I can offer a way out. The University of Utah could conceivably change its mascot without technically changing its name. From now on, you should simply call yourselves the University of Utah Youts. In case you are not familiar with the word, "Yout" is a term used by 80 year old men from the East Coast to describe anyone younger than themselves. The pronunciation is exactly the same as your current mascot, the Utes. Trust me, most of the meatheads in your athletic department would never even notice you made the change.
If adopted, the Yout would make for an intimidating, formidable mascot. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of opponents more than the virility and spunk of the young. Now I have taken the liberty of sampling some possible new logos to go with your new team name. Please consider them carefully.
First, the Big U Bottle. This logo is simple. Not too flashy. Like your current one, it makes use of the red Utah "U" but at the same time, abandons the circle and feathers in favor of a more appropriate baby bottle.
Second is the always classic bottle/rattle/pacifier, the last of which is likely to come in handy if the rest of the university is pissing and moaning about Bogut leaving for the NBA as much as the Ill-Informed Agitator is. I have to admit that I'm not as big a fan of this one as I am the bottle. The bottle is singularly distinguished whereas this logo might be to busy.
So what about the Yout himself? I prefer this graphic because it not only captures the nature of Yout, but also that this Yout isn't afraid to tattoo shit on his forehead. Yeeah. Fear it.
One final logo...and I doubt that this one will be the favorite amongst the faculty, is the breast pump. This logo also serves the purpose of showing the gender equality present on your campus.
Regardless of how you may decide to proceed, I wish you luck with this important decision. Many thanks for your consideration of these suggestions.
Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar
Labels: Sports
posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar at 6/30/2005 12:57:00 AM
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29 Comments:
Half an hour. About fifteen for the letter and fifteen for the graphics. Did it after watching War of the Worlds last night.
war of the worlds: not that great.
Independence Day vs. Signs. The bulk of the movie was actually really good. Great special effects and what not. Plus, this went into a lot more depth showing the fear and the desperation...people returning to a state of nature doing whatever they need to each other in order to survive.
What disappointed me was really the ending. The resolution had irony to it, but it came out of nowhere. Total deus ex machina crap. Worth seeing for the rest of it though. I guess I just don't see why a movie like this needs to necessarily have a happy ending...
I think they may have actually picked the aliens up from an Independence Day garage sale.
Its the same as any other alien invasion disaster film of the last 20 years. I will say the the invasion did provide a nice backdrop for the erosion of family and society. the scenes were drawn out, dakota fanning pisses me off, and the ending was hollywood. don't pay full price.
Ending was 50s Hollywood. You don't really "see" the ending. They just have Morgan Freeman tell you what it is.
And if I'm part of an alien civilization heading up an invasion of another planet and I've been planning it for thousands of years, that's some shit I'm going to think of beforehand.
No, clark not that aspect of the ending. that was fine. I'm talking about that happy family bullshit. That kid should have died. As should the mom, etc. Once again the marketers and focus groups ruin an ending.
I disagree. Hated the Morgan Freeman voiceover. Not the voiceover itself, but how they wrapped up the bigger picture. It didn't make any sense.
I do agree about the happy ending though. It would have at least been distinguishable from every other alien movie if it wasn't a happy one. Every so often it's great to walk out of a movie having expected a happy ending and instead feeling all f'd up. It's like the first time you read 1984. You go through it thinking Winston will somehow prevail or that this society cannot possibly sustain itself, but the moral of the story is that it can and will if allowed to. Instead of some positive resolution, Winston comes to love Big Brother and takes a bullet in the back of the head. I learned at that point that George Orwell does not fuck around with his message. It would have taken some balls to do that here, but I would have enjoyed it more. Mom should be dead; son should be dead. And how is it that the mom's parents' house is the only one in the entire country still standing?
Wow Clark. When you back handed slap someone's alma mater you really go after it.
And I don't know how well the SLC crowd would like their team name to come from the movie My cousin Vinny.
But about this movie. Spoiling the ending for me was okay cause I never plan on seeing it. But happy endings are what the bulk of the masses want to see. Look atGreat Expectations, the end of the book was supposed to be a realistic ending where the chick who was too good to marry pip ends up miserable and alone and he winds up a huge success.
But Dickens friends and publisher didn't like that ending cause it wasn't wrapped in a pretty pink bow and wearing a fluffy sweater. So he changed it to they all lived happily ever after, after he rescues her from herself. Give me a break.
Happy endings are fine for some movies. But if the point of the movie is to frighten you with a possible alien invasion than the aliens should win. And I expect more from Spielberg than a Morgan Freeman voice over.
1. If the ending is intended to entertain the masses, then it should succeed in that regard. This didn't. It sucked.
2. Trust me, I haven't spoiled the ending for you. You knew that the humans would overcome in the end through some unexpected weakness on the part of the aliens just like every other alien invasion movie out there.
Yes, that is probably true.
My question is where does all this faith in humanity come from?
Thought about it towards the beginning. He made some comment that made me chuckle. I don't remember what it was, but it might have had something to do with his kid's claustrophobia.
Thought about it towards the beginning. He made some comment that made me chuckle. I don't remember what it was, but it might have had something to do with his kid's claustrophobia.
Not at all. Satire and parody are protected.
Tom Cruise wasn't too bad. He played a regular guy and did a good job with it. This and collateral shows me he is trying to return to that span from top gun to a few good men where he played normal people in normal movies rather than that minority report/vanilla sky/magnolia "artsy fartsy give me an oscar" shit.
Now that dakota fanning can go to hell on a shutter. She is a US weekly cover story waiting to happen. How many 11 year olds can be so accurately bitchy without preparing themselves for a bitchy life. Don't tell me its acting. She can't act.
Yeah...Tom Cruise was better as a dock worker than I would have expected. I still found it funny that they just had to show off his chest off for at least a few seconds.
Dakota: "Dad, where are you going?"
Tom: "I have to go take my shirt off and flex for awhile."
I'd rather see that than mel gibson or kevin costner's ass. Remember that stretch in the mid 90s where they did that in every movie trying to out-ass eachother.
It was really bad. Colin Farrell's starting to do that too. My sister got me this movie for Christmas called Tigerland with him in it. It's a Vietnam era bootcamp flick. Multiple ass shots of Farrell for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Soldier: "Where you goin', Boz?"
Colin Farrell: "I suddenly feel the need to take a shower."
WILCOX LOVES TIGERLAND. HE BOUGHT IT ON DVD. MAKE FUN OF HIM. HE GETS VERY DEFENSIVE.
It's such a contrived movie. It's just one of those "Boz, you're so cool," "Hey, what's Boz up to?" "Boz, please help me with my personal problems" type movies where every scene is for the glorification of one single dimensional character. The guy's accent sounds a hell of a lot more Irish than Texan too.
Sounds a lot like Hubert's obsession with For Love of the Game.
Hubert's Obsessions:
Rounders
Good Will Hunting
For the Love of The Game
Armageddon
Suzie
Foy
Quinn
And let's not forget:
Fausey
"I didn't get a WHOO out of that guy!"
Pokeball
Pistachios
or week old tuna fish sandwiches and smoking in his house
Or his recliner that Foy & Meredith got busy on.
And Foy.
And Flathead Parli.
PRLIGOD
BAY2K (he still has that one)
Narrowly escaped with that one after passing stats the third time around.
You seen Hubey lately?
Saw him all spring. He had back surgery and was in rehab in missoula all of march and april. then he took a real estate course in missoula most of may. He's doing quite well for himself.
That's awesome. I haven't seen that character in years. YEARS. Give him a shout when you see him again.
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