Weakening the blow of the hurricane

Wow. Hurricanes suck.

Why are all of these hurricanes kicking our asses all of a sudden? I'm no meteorologist, but I think it has something to do with the names we're giving them. From what I understand, they used to name all hurricanes after women...angry, ferocious women. No doubt some hoity toity meteorologist was married to a Camille back in 1969. Eventually (I don't know when), they changed the system to a six year cycle and started alternating male and female names.

Anyway, there is a point to all of this. For whatever reason, we've chosen to personify hurricanes. We don't do this for other natural disasters. We don't name tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, forest fires, or floods. There's just something about sustained winds of 140+ miles per hour that reminds us of other people we happen to know.

I tend to wonder if these storms take on personalites embodied in the names that they are given. For example, there have been two storms named "Bret" since 1993. Both were tropical storms. While the 1993 Bret gave Mexico a bit of trouble, it's been a relatively mild-mannered storm that, at the very worst, might pour some cold water on your spring break plans. Katrina, on the other hand, reminds me of the sophomore who shows up at a party, gets drunk off of three beers and suddenly becomes very belligerent. Before you know it, she's in a cat fight with some coed over a wine cooler.

My theory: if we just give hurricanes the sissiest names possible, then we'll have nothing to worry about. Here's my proposed list for 2006:

Adlai
Bunny
Chadwick
Destiny
Eggbert
Fluffy
Gramps
Honey
Iggy
Jasmine
Koko (amended: Kip Peterson disproves)
Lilly
Melvin
Nancy
Oral
Pippy
Q: If the National Weather Service can skip Q,U,X,Y and Z then so can I.
Rudy
Sally
Teddy
Vanna
Whitley

Additions are, of course, welcome.

Sign in Downtown St. Paul

Fucking, Austria

Brits driving Austrians bonkers over rude village name

Sun Aug 28, 6:35 AM ET

AFP - British tourists have left the residents of one charming Austrian village effing and blinding by constantly stealing the signs for their oddly-named village.

While British visitors are finding it hilarious, the residents of F---ing are failing to see the funny side, The Sunday Telegraph newspaper reported.

Only one kind of crimimal ever stalks the sleepy 32-house village near Salzburg on the German border -- cheeky British tourists armed with a sense of humour and a screwdriver.

See the rest of the article here.

NBC saves my sanity...

...by cancelling "The Law Firm." I guess it had a dismall 5.1 million viewers in its debut and only two in its second week (some guy in a Minneapolis apartment and another in Richmond who fell asleep with the TV on), finishing a distant third behind WWE Smackdown on UPN and CSI: Wichita on CBS.

Thank you, NBC. I don't care what anyone else says about ya. You're alright in my book.

Up with Montana

My buddy from Nebraska's comments after reading the words to "Up with Montana," the University of Montana fight song:


Nice. I especially like the line:

And the squeal of the pig
will float on the air;

From the tummy of
the Grizzly Bear!

It is a very rabid song until the word "tummy" is sung. You should suggest alternatives for "tummy."

For example, gut, bowels, stomach, belly, thorax, paunch, or the ever popular, solar-plexus.

"From the solar plexus of the Grizzly Bear! Roar!"

At most federal courthouses...

...one might find statues of the world's most prominent jurists: William Blackstone, John Marshall, Hamurabi, Moses, Solon, or Justinian. At others, you're sure to find Blind Justice. But not here in Minneapolis. No, we much prefer little green men mowing grassy knolls protruding from the sidewalk.

Does anyone else...

...find it a little odd that the metaphorical screen used to keep a newly-hired attorney from working on a case on which he would have a successive conflict of interest is still called a "Chinese wall"? I would think that would be a taboo term by now. Should this not be updated to Asian American wall? Still kinda fuzzy on the rules here. Please advise.

I love it.

You have to. As annoying as the whole Cindy Sheehan thing is to me, Bush's neighbor in Crawford is apparently even more upset. This cat is firing frickin shots into the air. And it's not because he thinks they don't have a right to be there, but because they're ruining the man's dove-hunting season:

Reporter: Larry, why did you shoot the gun?
Mattlage: Well, I'm getting ready for dove season and you all are still gonna' be here, I'm practicin'.
Reporter: Was there another message involved in the gunshot?
Mattlage: You figure it out for yourself.
Reporter: Are there any laws ...
Mattlage: No, in Texas, you can shoot ... I ain't threating nobody. I ain't pointing a gun at nobody. This is Texas.
Reporter: What do you want them to do Larry?
...
Mattlage: When they first came out here, I was sympathetic to their cause, right. They as American citizens have a right to march to protest. It is like this – it's like having company, if you have your brother-in-law at your house for five days, wouldn't it start stinking after a while. You are ready for him to go home, aren't you? Five weeks of this is too much. We live here. It's our community. Apparently we have no respect over here and we have no respect over here. Somebody has got to get together and clear it out. It's a damn shame. The news media has got to solve this dilemma. But we got a dilemma here. We got a battle of the porta-potties. You all got started out going to the bathroom in a five-gallon bucket. Then they moved one porta-potty in here. No we got two porta-potties. And now we have three and if this keeps up, it will be all the way down the road. And they've got more porta-potties over there (pointing at the Bush ranch). The only one winning here is the one cleaning the porta-potties.

Does the guy with the voiceovers on the Mastercard commercials try to pick up women that way?

Imagine this line on a night out:

"Marina dress: 189 dollars.

"Via Spiga sandals: 98 dollars.

"Two flirtinis, a sex on the beach and a Margarita: 34 dollars.

"One fifteen minute cab ride: 15 dollars.

"Telling all your friends you scored with the guy who does the Mastercard commercials: priceless."

The efficacy of the modern liberal protest

Today I saw what had to be one of the most pathetic protests in years on the corner of 11th Street South and Nicollet Avenue. Really wish I'd snapped a photo of this crew. There were about twelve people there toting signs saying, "President Bush, meet with Cindy!" Naturally there were a couple printed "Bring the troops home" placards as well. Not a real lively crew, but instead a typical Minnesota Nice protest.

OK, here's my problem with these folks. You want to protest the war? Then protest the damn war. I have no problem with that. But for the love of God, could you do it in a way that doesn't discredit you and your entire cause? Three suggestions:

1. Protest something worthwhile. These people couldn't give two shits about Cindy. Honestly, what's the purpose behind her meeting with Bush? To bring more attention to the greater cause of ending the war. BAM. There's your issue. Don't hold protests over miniscule side issues, especially when the majority of the public isn't even familiar with that issue. I guarantee you that 70% of the people that drove by that protest had no idea who the hell Cindy is. That aside, if you do make the error of picking something like this to get your panties in a bunch about, then at least brush up on the subject before hand. Cindy's a fraud, folks. She met with Bush a year ago and came away from the meeting glowing. A few quotes from after the meeting:

"I now know he's sincere about wanting freedom for the Iraqis...I know he's sorry and feels some pain for our loss. And I know he's a man of faith."

"That was the gift the president gave us, the gift of happiness, of being together."

Bush had sent her an invitation to meet with him because she went and told the press that she thought that the form letter she got from the President after her son's death was impersonal. Now, a year later, she claims that he acted improperly, didn't know who he was there to honor, wouldn't look at pictures of her son, etc. Convenient.

It's so frustrating watching the antiwar movement in this country attach themselves to causes and individuals who lack credibility: the Dan Rather story, Cindy Sheehan, the list goes on. They might as well stand spread eagle in front of the Right with a target over their collective crotch just waiting to get kicked in the nuts.

2. Get your damn ducks in a row. If only 12 people are going to show up for your little peace pow wow, then cancel it. It just shows how meager your support really is. And please ditch the rainbow-colored flag with "PEACE" spelled incorrectly, wouldja? Because I know you're just going to head home after the protest to share some punch and joke about how stupid the President is for waving at Stevie Wonder. While I enjoy a good chuckle, that's just more irony than I can take.

3. Choose your tactics wisely. I know you're under a lot of pressure from that guy in your group who wants to run around campus naked, run down Hennepin Avenue naked, make a giant peace sign naked...hell, do something naked. Try and resist. To my knowledge, nudity has never stopped a war and the chances for this one aren't looking good. Nonetheless, you always find your cache of hardcore liberals willing to strip off their drawers in the dead of winter on a mountainside in Montana to register their disapproval with the powers that be. Here's the thing: the powers that be don't care. But they are amused by your hapless idiocy...I know I am. Try not to catch pneumonia or freeze your wang off, K pal?

And while we're at it, dressing up in a rat costume and screaming into a megaphone in front of CBS headquarters because some contestants on "Survivor" were eating rat meat isn't likely to encourage me to give vegetarianism a whirl.

For crying out loud, is it any wonder the Left can't gain any traction in this country? If you want to drop a few candidates into office then try doing what the Republicans do: organize. I know it sounds strange and probably contradicts all of your various critiques of hierarchy and authority, but dammit, it works. One truism of American politics is that mavericks don't herd well. It's a given that the Dems will always have to deal with. But if this is the new path of the progressives in this country, then I'm afraid the next few decades will be a long, hard slog.

The Law Firm II - "Olirosa"

This show is like a train wreck. I know it's horrible, yet I can't help watching. I'm inexplicably drawn to it.

To my credit though, I only saw the ending of "The Law Firm" this last Thursday. Here's my call: sucker's rigged. Here's what went down. Again, two cases of mediocre importance with the entire group divided into four teams. One case involves a guy who created a wanted poster of his buddy portraying him as a terrorist. Yawn. The other was a dispute over the terms of a contract. This guy named Olivier is working on the contract case. But before getting to what actually happened, let's get a few things straight. First, no one is named Olivier. On the off chance that some ghoulish parent actually names a child Olivier, that child will either go by Olly his entire life hoping that no one finds out the awful truth or turn into an apple martini-drinking, Thomas Pink-wearing, self-important douche. You can probably guess which one this guy became.

Olivier is a total creep. He's lost both cases on the show he's been involved with, yet he still thinks he's superior to everyone around him. For starters, he always has his hand on face or forehead. No idea how he gets anything done with only one hand to work with because it is quite literally attached. He'll throw that bad boy up there and then let out a big sigh...because it's so draining having to deal with all of these morons around him.

Unfortunately, the judges on this show apparently haven't clued into Olivier's superior intellect. This man is the Anti-Midas. His frustrations became evident this last episode, however, when the judge ruled against Olivier's client (sigh). Incredulous, Olivier interrupted the judge's explanation to tell him why he was wrong. Then he jumps out of his chair, yells "This is bullshit" at the judge, and storms out. Now, granted I still have another year of law school to go, but my experience tells me that this is a strategic mistake. If the judge's ruling is adverse, then smile, gather your things, thank the judge for his time, and plot your appeal. Do your best to be a big boy about it.

So this guy's a sure fire bet to get canned, right? Wrong. They meet up in Roy Black's office. Black singles out Olivier and says not word one to anyone else on his team. But then he ends up firing some other chick without explanation. ("The verdict is in and you are out." Gag me.)

WTF?? There's only one explanation. This show is rigged. They need an Omarosa in order to make the "Apprentice" ripoff complete. Some incompetent boob who thinks he's the top dog but that everyone else hates. It's total crap, yet I already know that despite my best efforts, I'll end up watching this garbage again come Thursday...

Is the irony intentional?