Loathing Atlanta

This season marks the 14th consecutive time that the Atlanta Braves have won their division title. It's an admirable feat, no doubt, but everyone is treating them as if they're some great baseball dynasty. It's all total crap. Two reasons:

No. 1: The Braves are perennial choke artists. Sure, they can win the NL East, typically a competitive division, but then they crap out the second they reach the playoffs. This team has only won one frickin' World Series! One for 14?! And it took them something like five attempts to do it! The Braves win 14 straight division titles but still have fewer chippers than the Florida Marlins?! Some greats....Reserve the dynasty talk for the Yankees. Heck, even the Blue Jays have more claim to a dynasty after putting away the Braves and Phillies in '92 and '93. Let's recognize the Braves for what they really are: the Buffalo Bills of baseball.

No. 2: The Braves straight-up robbed LA of the NL West title in 1991. That's right. I said it. This whole faux dynasty is the wrongful conversion of glory that should have gone to the Los Angeles Dodgers. I've been holding this grudge since I was 11 years old (my second longest baseball grudge--story to come). For those who don't remember, in September 1991, LA and Atlanta were locked in a vicious struggle for control of the division. This of course was back before they split into three divisions and moved Atlanta into the East (Dirty Braves had no business being in the West). There I was in the fifth grade, ready for the return to our 1988 glory watching as LA held onto the division. Late in the season, however, LA ended up losing a game to San Diego on a botched call--2nd baseman dropped the ball, but the second base ump said he had control of it. When all was said and done at the end of the regular season, both teams had won over 100 games for the season but Atlanta ended up winning the division by one game. One single frickin' game. Had it not been for that single crap call by that single crap ump against that crap Padres team, the division would have resulted in a tie. LA and Atlanta would have had to hold a one-game playoff. Considering that LA laid the wood to Atlanta just about everytime they played that season, chances are they'd have won the game and the division.

But it was all for naught. Atlanta began its 14 year run and LA fell into the cellar. This streak should belong to the Dodgers. We were cold robbed. Perhaps this is how God punishes ball clubs who take others' fortunes--by choking them to death. I still plot though...waiting for Ted Turner and his Braves to fall back into oblivion where they belong. Meanwhile, Braves fans will celebrate with their ill-gotten wares. Their day is coming. And I'll be there.

Fault of the Fringe

Just read an article off of Drudge Report in which Cindy Sheehan had the audacity to call John McCain a warmonger. Got me to thinking...

Practically every major political error in this country is caused by tension between the fringes of the Left and the Right. Both sides are unmovable in their respective beliefs that the opposing fringe is made up of myopic ideologues bent on destroying America. Pat Robertson & Co. are engaged in an epic battle with Maureen Dowd and her uterus. The irony is that it never occurs to these people that they're all the same. Pacifists like Cindy Sheehan will never realize that they are cut from the same cloth as hawks like George Bush. This sideshow harpy is a hypocrite, plain and simple.

George Bush:

• Gained the sympathy of the world as the result of a terrible tragedy (September 11).
• Exploited that sympathy to advance a political agenda (war in Iraq) that he could not have credibly advanced, barring said tragedy.
• As a result, Bush is morally culpable for his exploitation.

Cindy Sheehan:

• Gained the sympathy of the world as the result of a terrible tragedy (death of Casey Sheehan).
• Exploited that sympathy to advance a political agenda (Move On anti-war effort) that she could not have advanced, barring said tragegy.
• As a result, Sheehan is morally culpable for her exploitation.

Americans gave Cindy Sheehan their attention not because we agreed with the political agenda she has been trying to slip us, but because we felt for her. Honestly, how could you not? She lost her son and wants to know why, as one fellow poster put it. But Cindy apparently believes that our sympathy is license to dictate foreign policy to the rest of us. She uses her son as a shield against those who would point out the implications of her shortsighted demand that American troops be immediately withdrawn from Iraq just as President Bush resorts to 9/11 whenever he is confronted with failures in Baghdad. Without a dead son to thrust into the public eye, Cindy Sheehan is nothing more than another California yuppie with a very convenient belief in pacifism.

So here's the crux of my point. Those of us between the fringes are responsible for both the war and the advent of Sideshow Cindy. Back in 2003, the Great Moderate Middle America was straight up duped. We allowed our unrequited anger over 9/11 to get the best of us. We cast better judgment aside and followed the Fringe Right into a pre-planned war that had nothing to do with the cause of our anger...and as everyone in this country knows, we never would have tolerated this misadventure without a 9/11.

I honest to God fear that we are in the process of being duped again, only this time by the Fringe Left. The only possible decision that might be worse than engaging in an unjustified war would be to prematurely withdraw from it, as Cindy Sheehan and her mob insist that we do. Americans are seeing a lot of flag-draped caskets these days and as President Bush's pollster can tell you, we don't like it. Regardless, we cannot indulge our anger yet again and concede Iraq to the Islamo-fascists who caused 9/11 to begin with. Imagine the Taliban controlling the very heart of the Muslim world and having designs on the rest of it. The Cindy Sheehans of the world are content to allow such a disaster and then condemn the repressive Islamist state that inevitably arises as a result. If you need any proof of this, look to the Left's strenuous paper campaign against the repression in Taliban Afghanistan. They opposed what was happening there, but condemned in even stronger terms anyone who wanted to do anything about it. Individuals who intentionally divorce ideals from their implications cannot be trusted with the conduct of policy.

A buddy of mine made a good point tonight. The only people capable of running this country properly will never get elected. People just don't vote for moderates. I dunno...I still hold out a glimmer of hope for a John McCain to come to the rescue in '08 or at the very least, for the moderate middle to grow a pair and take America back. Dammit.

This is driving me nuts.

It's bad enough when you have one single tune stuck in your head all day long, but today why does it have to be "It Coulda Been Me" by Billy Ray Cyrus? That's plain torture...

The one time that I actually use a word like, say, "bitches" on this blog also happens to be the day that Mayo Nurse gives the URL to her mom...Thanks hon. ;o)

I am going to Ireland, bitches.

At this point, the trip appears to be a go from all angles, so no harm in posting the news here. Joey, who's been coaching debate at Northern Arizona while finishing up his bachelor's degree, asked me if I'd be willing to judge for NAU at the World Universities Debate Championship which is being hosted by University College in Dublin. NAU is senting two or three teams, so they need to provide a judge or two as well. I competed at the WUDC back sophomore year of college when it was being held in Glasgow, not that you need to to judge. Hell, anyway, this ultimately means ten days in the Motherland over Christmas break with one of my best friends in the world and no papers or exams hanging over my head. Sounds like a pretty damn good setup.

Anyhow, details to come. The Rooker-Feldman Doctrine calls...

Dear God,

We're really sorry, we get the picture, and will do our darnedest to do better in the future.

Could you please stop? Or even maybe give us a small break?

Thanks ahead of time,

*Clark

Some fifth semester thoughts...

...on a beautiful Tuesday evening when I'm stuck in here.

There are some law students who I suspect aren't going to make it at our fine institution of higher learning. Like the 1L down the table from me here in the library who is content to stare off into space with a huge ass grin on his face for ten minutes (I'm timing) instead of reading his Civ Pro.

Or the first-years who treat their 1L rep campaigns like they're running for a frickin' open Senate seat.

Maybe my daydreaming young friend down the way should learn to stick his nose into his book until he knows personal jurisdiction like the palm of his hand (insinuation intended...that's just the kind of smile he has plastered on his face).

Maybe the more ambitious 1L candidates should put off remortgaging their parents' homes to fund their pending campaigns.

And while we're at it, maybe certain 2Ls and 3Ls should pry their lips off of their professors' respective asses (or other parts not listed here) long enough to breathe.

Maybe said students should cut back their pontificating about evil corporations, evil conservatives, evil opinions, evil memos, and other spoon-fed garbage they read in Mother Jones and recited as if they came up with it themselves.

Maybe West Law and Lexis should stop trying to bribe us for future business with worthless little trinkets like cheap faux nalgene bottles, little blue plastic toys, or desk clocks that don't keep time. I quit ordering Happy Meals a couple decades ago, thank you.

Maybe that's a contradiction. I really don't care. I blame the corporations.

Maybe my prof shouldn't spend two class sessions reciting everything I already read in the book.

Maybe they should have built the law school closer to my apartment.

Maybe they should have built the City of Rochester closer to my apartment while they were at it.

Maybe the Vikes should "accidentally" lose Mike Tice in Cleveland and start a pool to see if he can find his way back. Just because Muffin the cat can do it doesn't mean an NFL head coach can.

Maybe there's a legitimate beef somewhere in there.

Then again, maybe I just shouldn't blog when I'm kinda cranky...

Cindy Sheehan: Get Our Troops Out of "Occupied" New Orleans

"The people in LA who were displaced have nice, if modest homes that are perfectly fine. I wonder why the government made them leave at great expense and uproot families who have been living in their communities for generations." (Maybe because of the fifteen feet of disease ridden water? How naive can a person be, really?)

"I imagined before that if the military had to be used in a CONUS (Continental US) operations that they would be there to help the citizens: Clothe them, feed them, shelter them, and protect them. But what I saw was a city that is occupied. I saw soldiers walking around in patrols of 7 with their weapons slung on their backs. I wanted to ask one of them what it would take for one of them to shoot me." (She'd love that, wouldn't she?)

"The vast majority of people who were looting in New Orleans were doing so to feed their families or to get resources to get their families out of there. If I had a store with an inventory of insured belongings, and a tragedy happened, I would fling my doors open and tell everyone to take what they need: it is only stuff. When our fellow citizens are told to 'shoot to kill' other fellow citizens because they want to stay alive, that is military and governmental fascism gone out of control." (Right, because people who were searching for food were the ones the government was worried about. Just ignore all the looting of weapons, TVs, DVD players, etc. The National Guard wasn't sent in to deal with the "vast majority" of people in New Orleans, but rather the ones shooting at engineers and medics.)

"It is a Christ-like principle to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and shelter the homeless. That's what is happening in Algiers and other places in Louisiana...but by the people of America, not the so-called 'Christians' in charge. If George Bush truly listened to God and read the words of the Christ, Iraq and the devastation in New Orleans would have never happened." (Do I really even need to say anything? The fallacy underlying this one speaks for itself.)

And the kicker:

"George Bush needs to stop talking, admit the mistakes of his all around failed administration, pull our troops out of occupied New Orleans and Iraq, and excuse his self from power." (Does this woman have absolutely no idea what is going on down there?)

Read the whole thing here.

So there it is. Anyone want to explain to me again that Cindy Sheehan is a legitimate rallying point for the anti-war movement?

Tractor No Longer Sexy

Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney split.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE fire Mike Tice already.

As a Minneapolis transplant, I've come to adopt the Minnesota Vikings as my football team. All of my friends who have grown up in this state have counseled me against such a decision, but it's the first time I've lived in a place that has any kind of professional sports team. I feel compelled to root for the Vikes even if it does mean a lifetime of constant disappointment.

But I grew up a fan of the San Francisco 49ers, one of the great American football dynasties. I've been spoiled by infallible NFL giants like Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Bill Walsh (roommate spilled a drink on him when he was about six--true story), so the Vikings are an enigma to me. They're like the Chicago Cubs of football. Perennial choke artists. Only the Cleveland Browns can challenge the Vikes on this front.

And when I say that Mike Tice should be dropped in the Mississippi with cement shoes, I understand that all of this is not the fault of one man. The Vikings were cursed to mediocrity long before coach Tice came along. But I'm convinced that the first step toward breaking the curse begins with ditching this low rent Jim Belushi ass clown.

This weekend I watched the first game of the season with Mayo Nurse's dad in Rochester. A few years ago, the league reincarnated instant replay, giving coaches the limited power to challenge an official's call. In order to signal their decision to make such a challenge, said coach is to throw a red flag onto the field. The thing is, some decisions aren't reviewable, including whether or not a player is down by contact when he fumbles the ball. I know this. Most football fans know this. Mike Tice should know this since the referees have to explain it to his stupid ass at least once a game when he decides to toss that damn flag out on the field in a fit of frustration, demanding that the play be reviewed anyway.

Someone buy this man a damn stress toy because all he does is toss the flag as soon as something ticks him off in the first quarter. He doesn't challenge plays that are actually questionable (recall the NFC semifinals last year against Philadelphia). No, Tice chucks that flag out there on obviously legit calls that just happen to be disfavorable to his team. So the referees kill the clock, review the play, affirm their decision, and leave the Vikings without the ability to challenge the crap calls that will inevitably happen over the rest of the game.

Oh, and let's not forget, after you get done getting your team knocked out of Superbowl contention (or before, since you know they won't be there), scalp the Superbowl tickets that the NFL comps to you. Smart move, jackass. I'm still surprised this one didn't land him in the unemployment line.

And how about those team management decesions. Just recently, Tice called up freshly released free agent Koren Robinson to offer him a spot on his team--just as soon as he gets out of rehab (Darrell Strawberry was too busy). This after Randy Moss was just too difficult to get along with. Speaking of Moss, Tice and the Vikes were briefly considering bringing on Plaxico Burress to fill the wide receiver gap in the post-Moss era. Reason? He dresses purdy. Or so Tice said in the press conference.

I look at other teams with envy. It's just too damn disappointing to see John Gruden pacing the the Tampa Bay sideline with a stride of confidence, a keen intellect about him while Mike Tice is chest bumping his defensive tackle on the Minnesota side. To think we dished Randy Moss to the Raiders in order to keep this guy (Red McCombs apparently decided to keep Tice because he was cheaper). Year after year, Minnesota will field quality players and then watch everything fall apart in the end. There are a number of different reasons for that. Replacing one man won't solve everything. But I honestly believe that hiring a respectable head coach would go a long way towards bringing the Vikings to the promised land. We need our Knute Rockne. To get him, we need to put Mike Tice out to pasture.

The Most Important Implications of John Roberts' Nomination as Chief Justice

Fellow justices doubt Roberts will be able to replace Rehnquist as Tevye in office musical.

Court finally has a justice who might outlive Castro.

Can reduce the birthday candle budget.

More V8 for everyone else.

Tom Hanks gets a leading role in Scotus: The Movie.

Hair. Lots more hair.

Unplugged on Katrina

I have dozens of random thoughts on Katrina and don't feel like putting them into any coherent order:

1. This thing is NOT Bush's fault. I don't like Bush. When he actually does something stupid, I'm more than willing to acknowledge it. The disorder after Katrina is not one of those times. First of all, there wouldn't even be much of a rescue needed if people would have gotten the hell out of there in the first place. Now, I know that there are reasons some people didn't leave. Some are handicapped. Some are elderly. If someone doesn't physically assist you in getting out of New Orleans, then you're stuck there. The news networks have tried to turn this entire ordeal into a racial or poverty issue, noting that the richer white middle class folk were able to leave the city while the poor blacks were stuck there. I don't buy it. I know for a fact that there were free buses rolling around the city for the specific purpose of getting people out who couldn't afford to otherwise. But even if you for whatever reason weren't able to get ahold of one of those buses, is that Bush's fault? Of course not. I am willing to admit that there may not have been enough buses sent out, since footage has come in of scores of buses sitting in a flooded parking lot. The responsibility for that lies with the mayor of New Orleans. Yet he's the guy yelling at Bush on TV to get off his ass.

2. And by the way, the number one reason you hear from evacuees that they didn't leave isn't "We couldn't afford it." Most tell you either that they didn't think they needed to because every other time a hurricane was heading towards New Orleans and they were told to evacuate, the unthinkable never happened. Others tell you that they plain didn't want to leave their city (many are refusing aid right now for this very reason).

3. Even if you put aside the facts that people could have gotten out beforehand and that Bush and the Feds are not responsible for the failure to get aid, there are a few other things that people are failing to remember here. First, this is a natural disaster the likes of which has never been dealt with in American history. You can't expect that the rescue effort is going to go all that smoothly. I can't think of another time in American history when 100,000 people needed to be evacuated--and simply driving in convoys isn't an option. Also, it doesn't help matters when the people left behind are shooting at medics and contractors with the Army Corps of Engineers. Cut the government some slack.

4. It blows my mind that people are trying to call Bush et al racist over this crap. I suspect the reason is that someone has to be blamed and he's the easiest target. We never saw this sort of thing after 9/11 because we knew who did it. There was a clearly responsible party and one we could all agree to hate.

We don't have that today. Katrina was caused by random forces of nature. We can't just leave it at that, though. We have to take our frustrations out on someone, so blame the government. Blame the National Guard. Blame Bush. Blame racism. Blame the white people in the suburbs who actually did get out.

5. I was watching The Today Show on NBC this morning. Right before cutting to commercial, this is what they said. Swear to God: "If you're trapped in New Orleans, please log onto our web site at www.msnbc.com to find out how to get help." I love to imagine the guy sitting in New Orleans with a working internet connection for a week, wondering how he can get out. Then he sees this website and NBC saves the day.

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Hurricane Katrina

Amateur News - Arabic news network Al Jazeera today released a recorded statement by Al-Qaeda second in command Ayman al-Zawahri, in which he claimed responsibility for the hurricane that struck the United States' gulf coast earlier this week.

"The holy mujahideen have struck the crusader nation at its very heart with the holy Hurricane Katrina," said al-Zawahri. "We declare that the infidels risk further catastrophe, God willing, unless they abandon their crusade in the land of Islam. Our brothers are currently working on a mudslide, two tornadoes, and an earthquake."

U.S. officials have expressed doubt as to whether Al-Qaeda actually possesses the capacity to cause a hurricane. This is due not only to the historical inability of humankind to create natural disasters, but also a string of other unlikely incidents for which Al-Qaeda has asserted responsibility since its failed July 27 attacks in London. So far, al-Zawahri has claimed fault for an exhaustive July heat wave, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's breakup, and production of NBC's "The Law Firm."

CIA spokesperson Bill Harlow expressed both doubt and concern. "This is a new tactic of Al-Qaeda's," he said. "We are beginning to think that bin Laden and his cohorts may now simply find it easier to lay claim to these unfortunate incidents rather than carry out attacks of their own."

Al-Qaeda's strategy does make some sense. "Terrorism is tough as all get out," said September 11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Muhammed in an interview from his Pakistani jail cell. "Seriously, that whole plane stunt took me years to plan: training the cut men, getting funding for flight lessons--let's not forget finding twenty guys willing to ram a plane into a large building. That takes some heavy coaxing."

Planning is not the only complaint Muhammed had with the traditional terrorist means. "Bin Laden totally took away creative control of the project. I had some fireworks planned: hijackings on both sides of the country--hell, both sides of the Pacific Ocean, plus a dramatic ending where I would land the final plane, kill all of the men and release the women and children just before broadcasting a message to the entire world. It was brilliant, but Osama thought it was too complex, so we ended up with the scaled-down four plane plan. I swear, the man has no vision. I guess just letting everyone else do the dirty work and claiming credit for it takes much less manpower."

Still, if al-Zawahri's claims are true, the implications could be daunting. "This is something we need to consider and investigate," said Harlow. "This country can only take so much. Hurricanes we can handle, but we will not abide another 'Law Firm.'"