Saturday, July 29, 2006

What would Tommy Lawyer look like...

...in jive?

TOMMY LAWYA
a bizzy witout a subtitle...coz wizzle do you call someone who graduated F-R-to-tha-izzom law schoo` but hasn't received a license yet? A pretorney? Trials n tribulizzles of a pretorney? screw it . Keep'n it gangsta dogg. Read tha B-L-to-tha-izzog . know what im sayin?. I gots`ta study cuz its a pimp thang.

Find out here. This is seriously the funniest thing I've seen in weeks...

UPDATE: A quote from the gizoogle version of Mirror of Justice, the law blog on Catholic social thought that a number of my former UST professors write for:

"Catholic Social Thought provides a means of evaluat'n tha evidence but should not constrain what evidence is ta be considered in tha mutha fuckin club."

Thursday, July 27, 2006

What I've learned from the bar exam.

No. 1. Never name your kid anything that starts with a P, D, or V. Any person named Paul, Peter, or Patricia is going to get hit by a car. They are predestined to become plaintiffs, who are inevitably injured by unfortunate souls named David, Dewayne, or Donna. Life is even worse for Vincent, Victor, or Veronica--these folks are going to get straight up murdered.

No. 2. The bar does not test your ability to serve a client. You do not want the attorney who aced the MBE. Why? The MBE does not test your knowledge of the best possible answer in a given situation. It tests your ability to pick the third or fourth best answer in a field of four. They intentionally leave the straightforward, sensible options out. So when Manufacturer produces a lawnmower blade and Worker is injured as a result of using it to cut heavy weeds instead of grass, your MBE power attorney is the guy who's thinking, "Plaintiff using a lawnmower to cut thick weeds instead of grass? Totally unforeseeable!" Either that, or you've got the Crazy Hypothetical Guy from tort law. He's the only one that some of these fact patterns make sense to. Either that, or the test taker is required to pick the least wrong answer from a field of four obviously incorrect choices.


No. 3. Banks very rarely record their mortgages. Pretty common phenomenon apparently. And on every such occasion, the mortgagor either takes out three more mortgages before defaulting or sells the property to good faith purchasers for value without notice. Or both.

No. 4. No one has marketable title.

No. 5. The Bar does strange things to people. I can't explain it. I also wonder if this kind of thing was happening in other states where they were testing. Between the Minnesota essays, MPT and MBE, there were:
  • People puking all over the John;
  • Women leaving the testing area and bawling in the women's restroom in the midst of the exam;
  • One guy who apparently pulled his tooth out during the essays and started bleeding all over the place; and
  • One woman who had a panic attack during the MBE and, word has it, was taken to the hospital.
Bottom line: it's over. I'm done with it. I sparred with the beast and feel like I did okay (knock on wood). But one thing is for sure--I absolutely do not want to be doing this again in February.

Alright, I'm gonna head to Clerks II. Bill J. describes it as good "but disturbing"...Something about "guy-on-donkey." I dunno. We'll see. Still disappointed that Kevin Smith ditched the original working title, The Passion of the Clerks.

Congrats on being done to my fellow examinees.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Prayer to St. Thomas More

Thomas More, counselor of law and statesman of integrity, merry martyr and most human of saints:

Pray that, for the glory of God and in the pursuit of His justice, I may be trustworthy with confidences, keen in study, accurate in analysis, correct in conclusion, able in argument, loyal to clients, honest with all, courteous to adversaries, ever attentive to conscience. Sit with me at my desk and listen with me to my clients' tales. Read with me in my library and stand always beside me so that today I shall not, to win a point, lose my soul.

Pray that my family may find in me what yours found in you: friendship and courage, cheerfulness and charity, diligence in duties, counsel in adversity, patience in pain—their good servant, and God's first.

Amen.


Now bring on the bastard...

Source.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Is Bush drinking again?

Absolutely hilarious clip from Turd Ferguson.




Still studying. Two more days to game time...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Stumbled across an old article on the BBC yesterday...

... during a break in studying. Apparently a couple years ago some British scientists determined with substantial certainty the location of the Battle of Brunanburh, a tenth century battle that is considered the creation of "Englishness," i.e., when the Anglo-Saxons were first united under one king against a Viking invasion. It was apparently the bloodiest battle ever to occur in the British Isles. The location? A golf course in some town called Bebington. Here's the line I love:

"The Chronicle recounts how the English advanced and began pursuing the invaders up what is now the fairway of the par 4 11th hole at Brackenwood Road golf course."

The article is old, but interesting and worth a read.

CNN's crack journalism

Breaking news alert on CNN:

A Hezbollah rocket attack on Nazareth, revered as birthplace of Jesus, kills two people, Israeli army says

You'd think that at least one person in the CNN newsroom would have sufficient familiarity with Christianity to know that Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Pretty common knowledge. I hear there's even a song about it...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


I caught part of the debate between Ned Lamont and Joe Lieberman last week on C-SPAN. Is it just me or does Lamont remind anyone else of Tweek on South Park?








Saturday, July 15, 2006

Update

Still studying for the bar, which leaves me almost completely uninspired as far as the blog is concerned. This thing'll be done in about a week and a half and I absolutely cannot wait. I feel like studying is going pretty well so far. The written exams are what concern me the most though. I've got this horrible feeling that at least one will be a federal income tax problem, mortgage seniority, or something else that I'm absolutely awful at.

In the mean time, I've got a good playoff beard going. It's never a good idea, but what the hell. I need whatever luck I can get. It looks two-thirds rediculous--mostly dark brown with nice patches of red and blonde peppered in there (the Amazing Technicolor Beard). Lea would love me to shave the thing off, but then I might fail the bar. Can't do it.

Which brings me to another issue--the wedding is coming up pretty soon here. Only 69 days to the Big Shebang in the Big Sky. Lea and I are both getting pretty psyched for it. She's putting together all of the invitations and I'm...you know, doing stuff. I don't know if I've ever posted it here or not, but the site is www.brettandlea.com.

Anyway, I should be getting back to the grind. Parting thoughts on the exam from an article by Jeremy Blachman (known to the world as Anonymous Lawyer) printed in the Wall Street Journal that Charlie sent me earlier in the week:

Most people say the worst part is doing hundreds and hundreds of practice multiple choice questions, but I think the worst part is how doing those multiple choice questions makes you feel about the world. Nothing good ever happens to the people in practice bar exam questions. Everyone who crosses the street gets hit by a car, every doctor botches the surgery, parachutes never open, contracts never get fulfilled, anyone who uses a lawnmower ends up in the hospital, as soon as you write a will your whole family dies, employee benefit plans never pay out their benefits, computers all get viruses, your friends are always intoxicated, stealing your farm equipment, and driving it into the barn, police search you all the time for no good reason, you can never find a good place to hide your weapons, banks never recognize a signature as a forgery, and the forger always flees the country.

Not that it's any better for criminals. Arsonists never burn down what they mean to, thieves always end up murdering someone, conspirators can never convince their fellow criminals to back out, no
one is ever given access to their lawyers before questioning, and spring guns go off in everyone's garage, each time killing the neighbor kid who just meant to return the tools he'd borrowed.

Anyway, good luck to everyone else in the hunt. I'm out.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I had a bizarre dream last night.

St. Thomas informed me that I hadn't actually graduated yet because I failed gym. Apparently I hadn't even shown up for the entire semester and the gym prof refused to pass me. Imagine my shock--I didn't even know I'd signed up for gym. So I went up to my office where I keep all of my records (and which apparently is now located in the IDS Kinkos) and pulled my original schedule printout from the drawer (it was printed on the side of a Diogiorno pizza box). Sure enough, there's gym, listed right above the temperature recommended for extra crispy crust. Freaked me out enough to wake up and realize that gym classes don't count toward law credits anyway.

Another odd thing here: my "I'm going to fail academia" dreams always come at least a couple months late. This one came almost two months to the day after I graduated, when I'm busy stressing over the bar exam. You'd think a guy would have a nasty-though-completely-nonsensical nightmare about that. Two weeks into my 1L year, I dreamt that I'd gotten a score of 30 on the LSAT rather than dreaming that I'd fail out of law school after a semester or something a bit more timely (minimum possible score is something like 120, I believe--that just made the humiliation worse in the dream though).

Who knows, maybe that's a gift? Better to sleep-fret months later when you can wake up and know that the entire point of the dream is moot, right? Either way, I now fully expect to have a dream where all the questions on the MBE end up being on mortgage seniority and I receive a scaled score of 12. Look for that one in about six months...

Monday, July 10, 2006

The cajones on this guy...

Pam Ippel is running for state representative in Overland Park, KS in an uncontested Democratic primary election. The general election could turn out to be pretty interesting since her husband Jeff is running against her on the Republican ticket. The article doesn't contain the quote, but NPR this morning quoted Jeff as saying he was running because his "ideas are better than [his] wife's." Hilarity.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Alright, Kim Jong Il jokes aside...

Time for a rare serious post--because as easy and entertaining as it is to make fun of the DPRK's goofy looking hereditary Stalinist dictator, the ongoing drama between the United States and Kim is simply fascinating. But quickly before I do take a serious moment:


There.

Now as I was saying, the standoff is fascinating because as crazy as Kim and his regime appear to be acting, it's all extremely rational. Ever since the Soviet Union went the way of the buffalo, the North Koreans have had to latch onto the Chinese for assistance that I'm guessing is not quite as plentiful as it might have been during communism's heyday. Thus, they've had one primary goal since: get rid of sanctions and establish relations with the United States.

We know this...Or at least we did. Most people don't know just how dangerously close we came to war with North Korea back in 1994. Kim Il Sung had recently died and the regime became very unstable. While the IAEA became suspicious about plutonium development, the North Koreans took the erratic step of blocking IAEA inspections and announcing that they would begin removing spent fuel from their nuclear reactor. The U.S. gave serious consideration to the military option but ultimately, Clinton took the carrot approach over the stick. He agreed, along with South Korea and Japan, to build North Korea two light water nuclear reactors, incapable of producing weapons grade plutonium, and provide 500,000 tons of fuel oil in exchange for North Korea shutting down its hard water reactor at Yongbyon, which could produce plutonium. The North Koreans believed that this was the path towards official relations with Washington. Essentially, they got what they wanted by threatening the U.S.

In 1995, the new Republican Congress that took over was less than enamored with the deal. They refused to fund the program for a number of years and proceeded deliberately to underfund it later on. The North Koreans became frustrated with the delays in construction of the reactors, but apparently desired to continue building their relationship with the Americans--reference Madeleine Albright's visit in late 2000.

Soon after, the Republican-controlled Congress was joined by a Republican-controlled Executive that took a more hostile stance towards the regime, as evidenced by the "axis of evil" line in the 2002 State of the Union address. Some have claimed that North Korea abandoned its agreement to refrain from building nuclear weapons before this point. No one outside the peninsula can really say for sure. But what is clear is that since then, the North Koreans have returned to their original strategy of acting out in world affairs while making demands upon the United States. They outright admitted building nuclear weapons in October 2003 negotiations, regularly threaten hostilities, and now have taken to shooting off missiles (in contravention of another non-treaty agreement made with the Clinton administration) toward Hawaii. Why? Because acting flagrantly is the only way they've ever managed to get what they want from the U.S.

That having been said, while the strategy might have been rational, it isn't necessarily wise. Simply put, Bush isn't Clinton. Clinton loved olive branches: the Olso Accords, his work on the Good Friday Agreement, his reestablishment of relations with the Vietnamese, etc. Bush? Eh...Bigger fan of sticks than carrots. But nonetheless...

North Korean foreign policy: rational, not childish or crazy.

But then again: kidnapping South Korean and Japanese film stars to make one's own movies, maintaining the world's largest film collection while the rest of the country starves (+20,000--and I hear he's fond of Rambo), spreading propaganda that he was born atop some sacred mountain, not to mention that goofy ass haircut...Maybe the guy really is just a kid at heart.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.


Hell, we should be honored that Kim Jong Il decided to celebrate the 4th of July in such enthusiastic fashion.

I do know that some people might think those were "missiles" he was lighting off on July 4. But seriously folks, they only had a range of 300 miles and the biggest of the pack blew up in the air after 42 seconds. I've bought bottle rockets with more power than that off a Blackfoot Reservation fireworks stand. It might look like military posturing, but North Korea's really just angling for a cut into China's stranglehold on the fireworks industry.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Liberals Love the United States, Too

Happy 4th of July, all. My old debate coach Don wrote an excellent post on Intelligent Discontent. Worth a read.

Have a safe weekend.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

The Tommy Lawyer Caption Contest


"You motorboatin' son of a bitch..."

(Video of Vladimir Putin slapping a wet one on this kid's stomach.)