Screw Felt. I am Deep Throat.

Yeah, that’s right. This whole thing you’re hearing about Woodward and Bernstein announcing W. Mark Felt, the former second-in-command at the FBI, as the famous Watergate informant, is complete and utter fantasy.

First of all, Felt didn’t know crap. The guy wasn’t even working out of the White House. He’s over in FBI. How is he going to know details from the inside? Now you might be asking yourself a couple questions. First, you might be thinking that even though Felt wasn’t in the same position as other Deep Throat suspects like Fred Fielding, he would still have greater access to information than Brett Clark. Second, you might also be wondering how a person who was not born until October of 1980 could gain and disclose such information in 1973. The answer is simple. I was very mature for my age.

The guy who advised Bob Woodward that Howard Hunt was definitely involved with the break-in? Me. And it was my idea for Bob to put out the red flag in the flower pot as a sign that he wanted to meet. Felt didn’t have the creativity for a scheme like that.
So the fanfare, the glory, and the hatred are all misplaced. But all things considered, I’m going to let Felt take the credit on this one. Hell, I don’t need Gordon Liddy on my ass…

Ten worst MLB unies of all time

This was originally going to be a post about why alternate jerseys are ruining Major League Baseball, but I ultimately decided to go much broader. Here’s my list of the ten worst uniforms in professional baseball (ten best to come):

1889 Brooklyn Bridegrooms. Just the other day I was talking to Jason Iacovino about how someone out there in the MLB should throw some Tennessee Vols-style checkers on a uni. Scratch that. Horrible idea. Now, it’s true that you’ve gotta take the late 19th century uniforms with a grain of salt, fashion trends being what they were and all, but look at the guy. First, the cap looks like he stole it from an officer in the imperial army out of Star Wars. Second, the string-lace up the center with the bow at the top? I mean, the collar was pretty common back then…You plain couldn’t but shirts without one so I can’t fault that, but when it comes down to it, this guy looks like he’d be more comfortable whaling with Captain Ahab.

1969 Seattle Pilots. Thank God these guys moved to Milwaukee. The Pilots had kind of a dumb uniform in the first place, but the hat’s the sole reason for sticking them in the top ten. To my knowledge, this is the last time anyone tried sticking any prissy shit on the bill of a baseball cap. Fortunately the trend was short-lived since the Pilots were only in Seattle for a year.

1956 Cincinnati Reds. This actually isn’t a bad uniform, but this is the season they dropped the word “Reds” from their jersey in the midst of the Red Scare. There’s some team pride for ya. I’m surprised they didn’t change the team name itself. The Cincy Capitulators has a nice ring to it.

1992 Florida Marlins. Waaaay too much teal. I understand that Miami was excited to finally join professional baseball, but designing their uniforms in Miami Vice pastels was a poor choice. This is just plain unhealthy. Fortunately, the FDA intervened in ’94 and balanced some black in there.

1977 Boston Red Sox. This was the year they abandoned the classic navy blue hat in favor of this two tone BS. Fortunately they went back in 1979, but that was also the year that they nixed the old-style writing on the away jersey in favor of plain old block shit that looks like it was ironed on. Bill Buckner wouldn’t have caused that error in ’86 if it hadn’t been for that. Truth.

2005 Atlanta Braves. OK, what’s with the solid jersey crap? It’s bad enough when generic clubs like the padres are doing it, but the Braves just look freakin’ ridiculous with these red jerseys. The only reason Turner has them doing this is to sell more jerseys, just like they’ve been doing in basketball and football for a few years now. What only adds insult to injury is the new A on the hat. You can’t tell well with this picture but they stuck a tomahawk on the horizontal line in the A. It looks asinine. If I weren’t busy blogging, I’d write a letter.

2005 Boston Red Sox. This sucks for all the same reasons as the Braves’ alternates, but they get even more shit points for doing it as a founding member of the American League. For shame.

1977 Pittsburg Pirates. There are some teams in history that have pulled off the full solid uniform. The ’77 Pirates are not one of them. The yellow’s the worst part of it. You’d think that the Padres might have learned something before putting on those splooge-cream colored jerseys, but I digress. The striping on the hat doesn't help much either.

1976 Chicago White Sox. The Chisox only wore these for one game as noted on the link, but they’re still worthy of contention. Honestly, I thought that they looked like softball players at first. I can’t even imagine why someone would think shorts would be a good idea in baseball, let alone seventies-style short shorts. Can you imagine sliding into second with these things on? You couldn’t be able to sit comfortably on the bench for at least a week after doing that.

1997 Anaheim Angels. The saddest uniform in baseball. See, this is the problem with naming your team the Angels. First, you let that halo adorn the “A”. Then you get some wings on the logo. Before you know it, you’ve got some wispy clouds, a harp, and your red bleeds into pink. Fortunately, new ownership stopped the hemorrhaging in its tracks and switched back to the strict red-and-white with the classic Anaheim A.

...And my car never got towed. I didn't buy a damn thing. Called their friggin bluff. Ha. 

I saw this dude over by Lund's in Uptown on a Friday evening. I'm standing on a street corner when I notice that this fifty-something bald, grey-haired ass has a black leather jacket and black-rimmed emo-esque glasses. That in and of itself kinda read like a midlife crisis candidate, but what you can't see in this photo is the big, gold hooped nose ring, If any of you consider yourselves to be my friends, then I beg of you...should you ever find me in this condition after fifty years of my life, please just stick the barrel right to my brain stem and put me out of misery.  

Enron Documentary

Just got back from Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room. Great movie. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone.

It's simultaneously amazing, depressing, and infuriating to contemplate the catastrophe that was Enron. Skilling somehow gets away with mark to market accounting (essentially counting estimated projected profits as current income). Fastow arranges an intricate web of corporations and partnerships to shovel the company's debt into. Lay sits atop all of it.

What shocks me isn't really that people would do this. It's the complicity that goes along with it. No one ever questioned anything the company was doing from inside Enron or out. The analysts who did pipe up lost their jobs due to pressure from Fastow. Fake profits stacked upon fake profits and when it all collapses, these people have all pulled their money out. They made sure to tell their employees that the stock was stable and that they should continue investing...on tape.

The candor of these people is unconscionable. They joke around about screwing over elderly people in California...taking power plants offline to drive prices up. "[Grandma Millie] wants her fucking money back for all the power you've charged right up, jammed right up her ass for fucking $250 a megawatt hour."

Reflecting on it all afterward, it makes me think about Bush's current plans to cut "red tape" in order to free up energy markets, not to mention individual accounts for social security. Madness, all of it. I've gotta get to sleep...

Continental penis envy

I laughed my ass off when I read about this. Apparently the big hit at Cannes this year is a film called Manderlay, directed by some Danish douche named Lars Von Triers. The film is about the system of pseudo-slavery that existed in the American South circa 1930.

It turns out that Lars isn’t all that fond of us ‘Merikins. Everywhere he turns in his duplex-sized homeland, he runs into American culture. It makes him so mad that he just had to go and make movies…about America. Makes sense, right?

Anyway, Lars ended up in the news here recently when he made a few choice comments about our President and nation in general.

"I feel there could just as well be an American military presence in Denmark. We are a nation under a very bad influence, because I think Bush is an asshole and doing a lot of really stupid things.”

Eh…The comparison between armed military occupation and a particular foreign culture catching on in a society because people voluntarily choose to partake in it is just a smack disingenuous, but whatever. And sure, Lars could have pointed to any number of foreign or domestic policy snafus that the Bush Administration has initiated over the last four years, but clearly calling him mean names is a much more intellectually stimulating option.

"America is sitting on the world and therefore I am making films about it. I'd say 60% of the things I have experienced in my life are American, so in fact I am an American. But I can't go there and vote. That's why I am making films about America."

Huh….You just can’t argue with that logic. I mean, after all, they must show American movies in Denmark. Kids probably wear blue jeans around. I bet people even eat the occasional Big Mac. Yeah, with Lars having to endure all of these horrible American influences, it is quite a shame that he can’t vote in America. Making movies that portray our culture as inherently evil as a result of institutions brought here by good ole Europeans is probably the best alternative. And naturally, since he’s making movies steeped in judgment of another culture, Lars did take the time to venture outside his parking lot of a nation to see the actual people he is portraying, right? Oh, that’s right. I guess not since he’s never freakin been here. Afraid to fly? Shell out and hop a boat, Lars.

This is where the irony comes in. Americans have been served up untold buckets of crap from Europeans for acting upon assumptions about other cultures without taking the time to learn about them. So maybe instead of celebrating Von Triers like some sort of courageous cultural critic, the European Intelligentsia should call him on his hypocrisy. You don’t like globalization. We get it. But no one’s putting a gun to your head and making you eat at friggin’ Jack in the Box. If there is a problem here, which I don’t believe there is, then it isn’t with the Americans who have spawned a culture that others have chosen largely to adopt. It’s with your fellow Danes. Go explain to them why they should continue wearing wooden shoes or whatever the hell you people do.

And at the very least, try and keep things in perspective. When it comes down to it, American influence on Danish and other European cultures is little more than fashion. What we all wear is fashion, what we watch is fashion and even what we eat is fashion. And fashion is always temporary. This isn’t even a problem worth complaining about. Comparing this to military occupation or to slavery as seems to be implied through Manderlay only detracts from the gravity of actual tragedies. This country has fought wars against both and dealt with the repercussions for decades. Don’t lecture us from your homogeneous tool shed/country about how we haven’t confronted these issues.

Picture of office. 

Wide view. 

Pictures of new office at the firm.

Jason and Brendan decide to rub one out after finals. 

I had a weird dream last night. I know most people have had the dream where they're suddenly naked at school or at work. This was similar...only really not.

I suddenly found myself in my underwear, wandering around the Montana capitol. And here's what's really odd. I was wearing tighty whiteys. The thing is, I wasn't embarrassed about it. I was just wandering around and someone I know would notice that I'm nearly naked, chuckle and ask about it. I'd just say that I forgot to put on clothes that day and go on with whatever we were talking about.

Now according to the dream dictionary thinger online, dreaming that you're in your underwear signifies hesitance in revealing your true feelings or some private aspect of yourself. I'm not quite so sure that's it though; I'm usually a pretty transparent guy. Unfortunately, there aren't any entries under "tighty whiteys" or "Montana state capitol."

What would Freud say?

Thoughts on Captain Planet

I’ve been doing some thinking about Captain Planet. I think the only people who read this thing would probably be familiar with it, but nonetheless, the show revolves around five kids from different continents who have been given special rings by Gaia, Mother Earth, each with the powers of the various elements. Their job is to fight a collection of villains who are bent on destroying the Earth for no particular reason whatsoever. Inevitably, about twenty minutes into the episode, the Planeteers discover that they are unable to defeat their environmental foes on their own and combine their powers to call upon Captain Planet. Captain Planet, armed with all of the Planeteers’ powers and a heady passion for puns, overcomes the evildoer and returns things to normal.

Here’s the thing about the Planeteer rings. There are four elements, right? Fire, wind, water, earth. But we have five continents to cover, so they made up a “special” power and stuck the Latino kid with it. Heart. So let’s get this straight for a minute. Wheeler, the witty American kid from Brooklyn (he’s the only one that’s from an actual locale, by the way. The rest are from Asia, Africa, Eastern Europe, etc…No one has a specific home beyond that) can summon fire. You know he’s scoring with that bar trick. Linka, the commie, has wind. Not quite as cool, but still formidable. Kwame, later of The Apprentice fame, can reshape earth and Gi has the power to manipulate water. All of it totally way cool. But with one continent left over, they make up some two bit Cracker Jack ring with a heart on it and tell the South American Indian kid he has the power of compassion or some crap like that. What a ripoff. They could have at least given him the ability to fly or shoot laser beams from his eyes or something. The kid’s gonna have a rough enough life with that haircut.

And let’s not forget the villains. As I mentioned before, they have no objective in mind whatsoever beyond environmental destruction. Duke Nukem, for example, just really happens to like radiation and therefore tries to spread it around everywhere else. Hoggish Greedly just simply has a love for overconsumption. I tend this is how Turner and a lot of enviros tend to think of the interests that oppose them on this issue. They just happen to have a penchant for destruction without an end. The fact that many of the voices on the show come from Meg Ryan, Jeff Goldblum, etc. only solidifies my certainty on this point.

Anyway, the problem with the show goes much deeper than that. I realize that this was the brainchild of someone over at Turner Broadcasting to help indoctrinate children about saving the environment and the evil of anyone who wants to cut down a tree. But the show never made sense to me as a kid. Every episode, the Planeteers would discover a situation where a bad guy is gonna dump a ton of ink into the ocean or some crap like that, try to stop him, and ultimately fail. So they call on Captain Planet and he fixes things in about five minutes. So this begs the question: why not just call up Captain Planet in the first place? You know you’re going to have to do it in ten minutes anyway. You could save all of us some time. He can fix the environment and I can get on to watching other more important cartoons.

I admit I took this slogan generator link from Mead's blog. This one takes the cake:

You Too Can Have A Clark Bar Like Mine.

An affront to Henry Ford

This is something I’ve complained about a lot lately so I have to articulate it here.



I hate Minis.

More accurately, I hate the people who drive Minis. After all, you can’t blame the car for the personality of the person driving it. They were like that in the first place. Here’s the problem. Everyone who drives one of these pieces of European trash whips in and out of lanes without signaling, speeds, tailgates, and generally drives like an asshole. I trace it all back to Charlize Theron in The Italian Job. Everyone who saw her driving like a friggin’ maniac in that movie now figures that now have the same adventurous personality purely by virtue of the fact that they drive the same car in the same incompetent fashion. You can tell these people on the street too. They’re the ones who walk as if everyone can hear the theme music that follows them in their heads.

The people who drive Mini Coopers suck, but so do Minis themselves. I’ve started calling them PT Deuces because they look like a number two a PT Cruiser might have dropped while idling at a stoplight. As a result, I’m a little afraid to drive behind PT Cruisers now…

And while we’re on the subject…



I hate Honda Elements. This is the perfect car for the person who can’t quite decide if they want to buy a Ford Explorer to be the outdoorsy, recreational type or the Honda Civic to be the environmentally conscious city-dweller. Now you can be both.

I’m also a little disturbed by the shape of the thing. It’s a freakin’ box.



Of course, there’s also the Pontiac Aztek, which has the convenience of a tent that comes out the trunk door. This is the perfect car for the person who can afford a $25,000 SUV but can’t shell out for a tent.



Finally, the Chevy Avalanche. This has to be the most worthless automobile of all time. Look at the size of the bed on this thing. You couldn’t fit a damn mattress into it. Maybe a cooler. That’s the extent of the utility of the Chevy Avalanche. Picnics.

The Arcade Fire's "Funeral"

Everyone on the planet needs to go and purchase this album. Friggin' fantastic stuff. These guys are the best thing to come out of Canada since John Diefenbaker.

Sign #324 that it must be finals week

Last night I was at school working on a 24 hour take-home exam. I took a break at about 2 a.m. and was walking down the hallway on the fourth floor. This 1L in front of me was carrying an open laptop, reading whatever was on it as he walked. As I get to the elevator, I see him starting to walk into the restroom with it.

Me: "You're taking your laptop with you into the john?"

1L: (Confused look) "Well, I need to keep studying, don't I?"

Hope he at least gave the laptop a good wipedown afterwards...

A bitter slice of American Pie.

There's something I've gotta say quickly before taking my International Law exam. The makers of the original American Pie movies are making a third sequel called American Pie: Band Camp. It contains none of the original core cast and instead follows Stifler's little brother at band camp. Oppression.

The great thing about the American Pie trilogy was that it follows the progression of growing up in America. It begins with the high school days of desperately trying to lose one's virginity. The story then progresses to the summer after freshman year of college and figuring out what you truly want from the opposite sex. American Wedding, while kind of lame, at least provided a capstone to the series with Jim finally marrying Michelle. The trilogy is a fun, humorous story that captures the awkward tension between sex and love. So why ruin the perfect progression with some lame Salute Your Shorts ripoff? No one from the original audience is going to run out and see this flick.

So here's my solution. Put the brakes on Band Camp, wait a few years, and finally release American Divorce. It'll be a scream. Jim gets kicked out by Michelle and has to crash on Finch's couch. Nadia comes back and tempts Jim into some kind of tryst. Stiffler is still the skirt-chasing, middle aged bachelor, and Kevin is the overworked attorney with five kids. Chris Klein is optional. Anyway, it would fit the natural progression of the series. You could even hook in the standard ending where Jim ultimately rejects Nadia and patches things up with Michelle.

Besides, if they make American Divorce, then they totally set the groundwork for American Funeral. Geez, doesn't anyone else think up this kind of thing? Get on it, Hollywood. What am I paying you for?!

Brazil chooses prostitution over AIDS funding

BBC News reports today that Brazil has rejected $40 million in U.S. funds to combat HIV because it comes on the condition that they fight prostitution as well. The Brazilian government accuses the American government of "bullying" theirs and other countries into such conditions. Now normally, Brazil and other countries have no problem accepting millions of dollars in American funds, especially to fight off a worldwide catastrophe like HIV, but once the U.S. attaches conditions aimed at further reducing the disease's spread, we suddenly become the oppressors.

This wouldn't bother me quite as much if it weren't for the constant calls for the U.S. and other wealthy nations to pony up more cash to halt the spread of HIV. Fighting this disease will require more than just cash from the developed world. It will also take fundamental changes in both policy and culture throughout the developing world. In Swaziland, it means banning institutions like polygamy. In China, it means raising the status of women. And in Brazil, part of the solution will have to include combatting prostitution.

This fight ultimately affects us all. Despite complaints, the U.S. is doing its part by contributing $15 billion to global efforts. Certainly it is not too much to expect the recipients to put forth some effort as well.